Letting Go of the Me I Used to Be

I find myself longing to do more than just “exist”.  I desire to break through the fog of this phase and have a purpose for my life.  The problem is…I still want my old life back.  Not that I would want Tim to leave the heaven he is in and re-enter this sin-filled world and all of its pain; but I miss the Lori that was me years ago. 

The Lori that could facilitate a “Keepers of the Home” Bible Study and truly be living the principles in her life, I miss her.

The Lori that easily kept our lives organized and tidy, I miss her.

The Lori that was madly in love and felt cherished and appreciated by her man, I miss her and her feelings of security in her marriage.  (To be clear:  I don't miss marriage, I miss being married to my Tim!)

The Lori that was capable of not wearing hurt feelings on her sleeve or of not yelling “idiot” to other driver’s when they don’t perform to her standards, I (and I’m sure my kids also) miss her.

If I am 100% honest, that Lori who was able to lounge by her pool while completing her quiet time, I really miss her and her cushy lifestyle.

And while we are being real, the Lori who never had to balance her checkbook because there was always enough money (but did it anyway, because she was OCD), I miss her.  I miss both her OCD qualities and her ability to give generously to others without calculating every penny. 

This new Lori is blessed with a full time job that pays the bills and still allows flexibility in her schedule to be mom in the way her children are accustomed.  She lives in a comfortable home that she can afford.  She is a bit of a scatter-brain still, but I am seeing baby steps towards improvement.  (I actually noticed this morning that we are almost out of milk before we officially ran out.  Now if I can only remember to buy some today, all will be good.)

Yesterday, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the new Lori is short on temper and long on justifications and excuses.  Not a pretty combination.  I was convicted of my selfishness and my self-righteousness.  While I have never been good at holding my opinions to myself, I really let my tongue do some wagging yesterday.  Nightfall found me lying in bed angry at multiple people.  Some whom I am very close to and some who are mere acquaintances, but ALL whom I felt had wronged me in one way or another. 

Hot tears burned my eyes as I justified my thoughts, my reactions and my haughty words.  The more I tumbled the thoughts and actions of the day around in my head the angrier I became.  My thoughts went something like this…

“How dare he/she exclude/speak to/act that way towards me.  If Tim were here, I would have someone to bounce these feelings off of.  {insert pity party here} Someone who would ‘side with me’ over the way people have wronged me.  Someone who would stand up for me and make it stop.” 

Then ever so slowly, those thoughts turned into this…

“Tim would listen and would tell me…‘Lori, that wasn't a kind response.’  He would help guide me in the right direction.” 

Wait….What?

With the shifting of my thoughts, the Holy Spirit began showing me the common denominator in all of my ugly encounters from the day.  Well yuck!  That common denominator was ME.  It was a humbling truth that did not make for a pleasant dose of reality.   

As I confessed and asked for forgiveness and our God washed the sins from my heart, I was reminded that in order to move forward, I can’t keep looking back with longing for all that I have lost.  The old Lori isn't coming back.  The current Lori is transforming into something new.  God can make her beautiful, but He isn't interested in making her back into her old self.  He has bigger and better plans.  He will dissipate the fog of this season and transform me into a life that honors Him with my choices, actions and words.  I have to be willing to let Him.  This requires my eyes be set on Him and on His eternal perspective.  

  

Some days I have my act together, and some days I don't.  It's a two steps forward, one step back kind of dance.  Truthfully, right now, many times it is all I can do to “exist” in each new day; but I am trusting that He will transform me beyond just existing and into who He desires for me to be.  He has proven Himself as faithful.  Time and time again.  I am ever so grateful that His mercies are new every single morning.  Every.  Single.  One.

Oh how I need a clean slate of new mercies with the dawn of each new day.

Today began better.  I was able to be thankful for the good of yesterday (dinner with a friend and our girls, lots of work accomplished/organized, the Holy Spirit's active involvement in my life), and I have wonderful plans this evening for a family date night.

New day.  New mercies.  New transformations.  I am looking with hope for my future and I am thankful for God's redeeming love!        

The Art of Contentment

(photo from sovjoy.com)

As my friend left my home and I closed the door behind her, tears flooded my eyes.  She had shared a precious story with me.  It was lovely for each of us to be able to bond over a lesson learned from our loved ones who have gone on to heaven before us.

Her mother-in-law was much like my Tim in many ways.  Though both suffered terribly through drastic physical changes, neither were complainers.  In fact, both walked their painful journeys with dignity and in a way that inspired others.

 

My Tim died from head and neck cancer.  Her mother-in-law passed away from ALS.  Neither of these were easy or comfortable ways to leave this world.  The legacies left behind by both remarkable individuals are too numerous to count, but a common thread in their lives was the 

art of contentment.

 

After my friend’s mother-in-law passed away, a spiral notebook was found.  This woman, who was an artist and had once used beautiful calligraphy penmanship, had jotted down notes to herself in a slightly shaky scribe.  Here is one that is now framed in her daughter-in-laws kitchen.

“I am learning the art of being quite content with doing very little slowly.”

Bitterness could have flooded the hearts of these two brave souls.  It could have robbed them of any satisfaction or happiness in the last few years of their lives.  The world might very well have said they were justified if this had been their response to their personal battles. 

But it wasn't how they chose to respond.  These godly individuals left us a legacy of understanding the art of contentment.  What tremendous testimonies and examples!

A peaceful mind gives life to the body, but jealousy rots the bones.  Proverbs 14:30 [CEB]

It makes me wonder….

Am I content?  

I don’t mean content financially or materialistically (although the Bible also has plenty to say about this type of contentment), but am I emotionally and spiritually content with where God has placed me? 

Right now, 

Right here, 

In this very spot of grief and the mess of learning how to continue in this life without my Tim. 

Am I practicing the art of contentment that was modeled for me by Paul in the Bible?

“Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.” Philippians 4:11-12 [NAS]

As a widow, I have many choices.  One of these important decisions involves how I will walk from this point forward.  Will I cling to my God?  Bask in His peace?  Absorb His rest deep within my soul?  Will I walk with dignity? 

That’s exactly what I want my children to be able to say of their mother.  That I discovered the art of contentment, and walked this road bathed in God’s grace. 

I want to continue the legacy my husband began; a legacy of practicing the art of contentment; even when life is hard.  

Maybe, especially when life is hard.  

Regardless of what stage of grief we are each in, God has allowed us to be right where we are, right in this moment.

God, thank You for the years You provided us with our loved ones.  Thank You for their examples of true contentment.  A level of contentment that can only be found through a constant seeking of You.  Saturate every corner of my life with the art of contentment.  Teach me how to leave a legacy that will bring You glory.  Amen.

Crazy Tulips & Transforming Growth

My friend Diane has a batch of flowers she calls her "crazy tulips".  She posted on social media, "They start out yellow and each day they bloom, they become peach, coral and finally a beautiful orange”.  As I looked at the photo, I thought.....

I AM those crazy tulips!

I have been buried under the widows’ heaviness of a bitter cold, dry, and dusty covering.

God has continued to nourish my deepest layers through the toughest of droughts.

His power has enabled me to slowly push my way through the darkness, until I peeked up into the warmth of light again.

The strength of His Spirit has caused me to burst forth; to grow and to flourish, even while the ground around me still shows signs of seasons past.

I am being transformed daily from a soft (fragile) yellow to a pale (delicate) peach.  How exciting for me to see that a lovely (strong) coral will emerge and to know I will eventually be a vibrant (flourishing) orange.  Ever so slowly, God is changing me from the inside out. He is walking with me through my stages of grief and mourning.

My Savior is renewing my mind each day.  I am shedding the anger.  I am learning to deny the feelings of frustration.  I am moving past the pity part(ies).  I am pushing through the sorrow.  He is softening the edges of my petals once more and bathing me in His light. 

The God of the universe began a work in me 28 years ago on the night I surrendered myself to Him.  He promises to see it through to completion.  

He is at work.  

He has a purpose.

He is not a quitter (possibly what I love most!).

Our God brings forth fresh growth.  He makes things new.  He creates beauty from the dust of the past.  Regardless of what our past holds…the sorrows, the mistakes, the sin…He will rescue us and create something beautiful.   He will complete His work in each of His children when we surrender ourselves to His will.   

“…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…”

~Philippians 1:6

Oh what a glorious blessing it is to have His Spirit at work inside of us, challenging us to grow in new ways, through difficult seasons; and causing us to burst forth in brilliant colors.

He is committed to seeing His good work through to its beautiful, vibrant completion.

Lord God, thank you that you never give up on us.  You never leave us to do this life alone.  You are our strength and our beauty.  I love how you provide both detailed complexity and artistic creativity all around us.  Thank you that you are constantly at work within us and that you have a plan.  Help me to rest in that knowledge as I navigate this grief.  I don’t want to become hardened and useless for your kingdom, Lord.  Complete your work within me.  Amen   

   

Tears Like Rain

It’s raining.

I love the sound of rain.  I enjoy the coolness of the drops as I choose to stand under them (odd, I know, but enjoyable to me).

A light rain reminds me of teardrops.  It’s like God is washing things.

Rinsing them from me.  Cleansing me from the inside out.  I like it.

Rain brings about change.  The pansies perk up to receive its nourishment; brightly contrasting the dormancy around them.

Tears bring about change too.  They can highlight the reality of grief, but they can also cleanse us from the hardship of grief’s burden and highlight the beauty still lying within.  I have mentioned before that I am not much of a crier, or at least I wasn't up until the past few years. 

The tears flow a bit more freely now (still not as often as I would have expected).  Sometimes triggered by a sweet memory, sometimes triggered by fear and frustration; they are not limited by boundaries of appropriateness.  I have surprised myself with a cry in the middle of laughter. 

It is important that the kids and I give ourselves permission to cry.  

As Tim would say, “it is what it is”. 

It is just as equally important for us to remember that it isn't necessary to stay stuck in any phase of grief.  Psalm 30:5 [MSG] “The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.”  There is, of course a promise of our eternity in heaven when there will be no more tears; but how do we make this applicable to our earthly lives as well?

I say, we let the tears flow freely when they come.  We embrace them and experience them fully; allowing them to wash away hurts, pains and phases of grief; enabling them to bring nourishment to our heavy souls. 

This is David singing out praises to God for transforming his mourning.  I love what he says in verses 11-12. 

“You did it: You changed wild lament into whirling dance;

You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers.

I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about You God, my God,

I can’t thank you enough.”

Friends, we are going to be okay.  The kids and I; we are putting one foot in front of the other, and leaning hard into God as He directs our steps.  We aren't all decked out in our wildflowers just yet, but we are growing and evolving.  We are learning to have fresh excitement about our futures.  

We are allowing the tears, when they come, to highlight the beautiful, vibrant memories.  We can’t thank God enough for the work He is doing in our transformations.

Next week would have been Tim’s 46^th birthday.  Another “first” milestone to cross that will undoubtedly bring fresh tears.  God is already transitioning my heart into one full of joyful memories of birthdays past.  The nights of crying my eyes out are giving way to days of laughter.  It is such sweetness to me.

Tim's 35th Birthday

Tim's 40th at Great Wolf Lodge

(Please be in prayer with us for Tim’s parents next week.  I know my grief as a widow, but I will not even begin to pretend to understand a parent’s grief when their lost child’s birthday rolls around.)

Tim's 44th Surprise "Make-Up" Birthday

Tim's 45th Birthday

Until our turn comes to be in the presence of our Lord where He will wipe away every tear and demolish death once and for all, I pray He uses our tears for healing and nourishment like a soft spring rain.  May He continue creating new growth within us.  To God be the glory! 

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4 [ESV]

God Gives Power (Isaiah 40:29)

When one of these anniversaries of Tim’s passing rolls around, I want to be in the state of mind that I am celebrating the number of months he has been with Jesus more than I am grieving the number of months I've been without him.


Honestly, I'm not there yet, but I am asking God to bring me to that place; I long to be obedient to His command to be joyful.  He can and will get me there. I am looking forward to it.


My responsibility is to surrender my weaknesses to God.  I am to bring Him my brokenness.  The difficulties of continuing my life without the one I made a marriage covenant with before God are too numerous to count.  God gets that.


Thankfully, I am not living this life by my own might or power.  I am living it by the Spirit of God; and in Him, there is strength!


"'Til death do us part" really happened.  The 19 years went by too quickly; we weren't finished loving each other.  We hadn't seen our children into high school, or through first loves; we don't get to be side-by-side as they select their career choices, or marry their mates; we won't hold hands while we attend those adorable grandchildren's births.  (And trust me, they will be adorable!)


My heartache is being a widow.  Your grief might also be from the loss of a spouse, or it might be from the loss of a parent, a sibling, a close friend, or a precious child.  Broken dreams hurt.  God heals.  He loves.  Our God loves us enough to catch every tear.  He loves us enough to give us the ability to move forward.


He loves us enough to increase our strength.


Sometimes it's tempting to want to stay stuck in one phase of grief or another.  We long to wrap ourselves up warmly in the embrace of denial or depression.  Another anniversary rolls around and we don't have the strength or desire to get out of bed or to make one more decision by ourselves.  Friends, God promises to increase our strength!


If that doesn't put a smile on our faces, what will?  We have a God who cares about us and each stage of grief we endure.  He doesn't tell us to "Suck it up, Buttercup".  He doesn't expect us to find our own way to "get over it".  He understands.


He gives power!


God provides us with the power to process our grief.  His healing comes to each of us in His timing and within His individual will for each one of His children.  He is a personal God!


Whether we like it or not, in God's Word, He repeatedly commands us to be thankful and joyful.  Those commands are not circumstantial.  There are no exceptions listed.


I don't read in 1 Thessalonians 5:16 and 18 to "Be joyful always (unless you've lost someone) and to "give thanks in everything (except grief)".  In the trenches of freshly broken hearts, we are incapable of joy and thanksgiving on our own. (And I use "freshly" as a relative, non-time-sensitive term, as each journey is so unique.)


Herein lays the beauty of our marvelous God.  Let's crawl to God daily until He fills us with the strength and power to stand again.


Psalm 16:11, "You will fill me with joy in your presence".  He fills us with joy.  Praise God, He fills the emptiness with beauty when we bring it to Him.


Want to know what else we find in the presence of our Savior?  Hebrews 4:15-16 tells us we receive sympathy with our weakness, along with mercy and grace to help us in our time of need.


Thank You Lord, for not leaving us to do this alone.  Thank You that You increase our strength with Your mighty power.  We may not like our circumstances, but we love You.  Your provisions are perfect and You are always good.  Take the ragged edges of our ripped apart hearts and bind them with Your loving kindness.  Fill us with more of You.  May the joy of our Savior penetrate the darkest places and radiate from within us.  Amen.

Keeping Jesus FIRST!

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."  Ephesians 3:17b-19

(Disclaimer:  This is going to sound so strange that I am almost afraid to even post it, but I figure that if I am feeling it and aware of the need for caution in this area....I have to assume that others are too and nobody is willing to talk about it.)

So here goes my confession...

I am finding that I have to be careful to not be more excited about one day being with Tim in heaven than I am about being there with Jesus.

That is the real, 

raw, 

honest

TRUTH  

and it is embarrassing to admit.

At times, I catch myself talking to Tim in my mind more than I am praying to Jesus.

I have a deep longing to be reunited with Tim in heaven.  I am anxious to see him again, to hold his hand and touch his face.  I am excited to have him show me around.  I should be most excited about Jesus.  

I am not saying that there is anything wrong in longing for our loved ones who have gone before us; however the Bible is clear about Who our first love should be.  The Holy Spirit has made me acutely aware of my sin in placing my longing for Tim in front of my longing for more of Jesus.  

When Tim was here, we made a conscious effort to keep Christ as the head of our marriage.  It was our individual relationships with Jesus that came first, then our relationship with one another, then our relationships with the children.  We knew our priorities and checked often to make sure we were living them.

Now, it's just me.  I have my relationship with Christ, which is to be my top priority, then my children.  In the newness of this widow gig, I am unsure where to place Tim in the lineup.  He still has one of the largest portions of my heart.  The physical loss of him doesn't change that fact.

And so, I find myself constantly thinking of heaven, and of Tim, and his experiences there.  

Truthfully, sometimes I do that more than I think about heaven being where my Savior lives and has gone to prepare a place for me.  

I know this sounds horrible for a Christian to admit.  But guess what?  I've never been one to "only share the pretty".  It is what it is.  Just maybe, someone else walking this road is catching themselves in the same thought process and also needs to be reminded...

*That our love for God should come first.  (Matthew 22:37-39) 

     Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

*That our thoughts should be fixed on Jesus.  (Hebrews 3:1)

     Therefore holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess.

*That Jesus is fully God and commands our worship.  (Hebrews 12:28-29

     Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."

Possibly, like me, someone also needs to remember...

*How we can't see the whole picture now, but we one day will! 

(1 Corinthians 13:12)

     For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face; now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

*How beautiful His sacrifice on the cross was and what it bought for us.

(Psalm 13:5)

     But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

The love we have with our spouses is beautiful.  The love we have with our Savior is incomparable.  It’s important that we keep Jesus FIRST.  His love for us is higher and deeper than our comprehension.

Thank You God, for Your amazing grace and unending love.  Forgive us when we place other people, or possessions in front of our awe and worship of You.  Continue to use Your Holy Spirit to convict us and direct our paths towards righteousness.  As, Your Word says in Isaiah 26:3, give us a steadfast mind so that we may walk in perfect peace as we trust in you.  We trust in Your unfailing love, our hearts rejoice in your salvation! Amen.     

  


    
     

Anniversaries and Such

I made my morning coffee in my "Goofy" mug today.

The mug we brought home from our honeymoon as my souvenir all those years ago.  I used the single serve coffee pot Tim bought me.  He didn't drink coffee (he was a diet coke man), so when I asked for a Keurig for Christmas one year, all he heard was "single cup of coffee" and he somehow convinced our favorite little romantic getaway place in Texas to sell him one like was in our hotel room.  I love my Westin Wake Cup, it makes me smile every morning remembering his thoughtfulness and the effort he put into giving me a gift that was so foreign to him.  It also reminds me of our little escapes down to the warm Texas sun, a cozy hotel where we ordered chips and salsa poolside, the delicious steak house we frequented and the love we shared.  Beautiful memories.

I am grateful for our marriage and the years we spent growing and maturing both in our individual walks with Christ and in our love together.  We had a good life. Our marriage was not perfect.  We were not perfect.  We struggled through heart-wrenching difficulties over the years and we had our issues.  All marriages do.  I don't want to paint a false picture of perfection here.  I don't want to make our history something it wasn't by over-emphasizing the good times and ignoring the struggles.  We didn't always extend grace to one another.  Truthfully, we weren't always necessarily that great at loving the other in their love language.  Looking back, I see how petty our issues really were.  Oh how I would cherish the chance to properly show love to my man in his love language one more time.  May I challenge you?  If your spouse is still on this earth, don't miss your chance to show him or her the love they deserve in a way they can hear it the loudest.  Find their love language and minister to them through it, today.  It took extreme and intentional effort for Tim and I to stay connected on the deeper levels and to maintain a relationship that was more than just "surface".  We longed to have a marriage that would still be fun once the kids were grown and gone.  We tried to stay plugged into each other beyond the day to day routines. We didn't always succeed, but we were trying and

we were happy.

I miss him terribly.  He was my confidante.  He was my sounding board.  He was absolutely my closest friend.  I trusted him more than I trust any other human being on this earth.  I laughed with him more than I laugh with any other person.  I loved the sound of his laughter.  I miss the sarcastic tone of his voice and the deadpan way he could deliver a line that left the listener guessing if he was serious or joking.  Anytime I made a new friend and they met him, they would pull me aside and say "I can't tell if he is kidding."  He was almost always joking!  Such a witty man.

Tomorrow is March 11th.  This date marks 2 months since Tim passed

AND

it is our 19th anniversary.

(Just typing that makes my heart physically ache and floods my eyes with tears.)

I am going to have to pray myself through this week

one
moment
at
a
time.

I know that God is faithful to be my Comfort and to heal my broken heart.

I am asking Him to be my EVERYTHING.

Lots of hot, fresh tears are just under the surface of my emotions and leaking out at any given moment without forewarning.  I find myself wondering, "What now, Lord?"  I knew the plans we had made for our future; but now it's just me. "How am I supposed to live out the rest of my life?  What are You wanting from me, Lord?  What does my future look like from Your perspective?"

As is His custom, God perfectly timed yesterday's sermon for me.

(I sometimes wonder if Pastor Justin ever tires of having to prepare Sunday sermons just for me. Tim and I used to tease him about that.  Hahaha  God is so good at speaking to us through our friend and pastor each week.  Such relevant topics and deep Biblical truths are shared.)

Justin taught from Colossians on knowing and doing the will of God.  He challenged us to spend the next six days asking this question: God , what should I do with YOUR life that is within ME?

So as I try to navigate this week of anniversaries, I will keep my heart and mind focused on things above and will remember that my focus should be on an authentic, growing relationship with Jesus.

When I want to curl up in a ball and cry until the tears simply stop flowing, I will; but I will do it knowing that I am curled up in the palm of my Heavenly Father's hand.  He loves me.  He has a purpose for my life; He has a purpose for His life that lives within me.