Widowed at 42.
At that time, every future goal, dream, and plan included him.
Nearly five years out from the loss now, I am dreaming on my own; finding who I enjoy being as a solo; settling into my new normal.
My new normal doesn’t mean “less than” or “more than” what we had together. It just means different. Different isn’t always negative. Sometimes it is just....well....different.
I experience joy. I experience laughter, lots and lots of laughter. Laughing is still my favorite thing.
One of the many precious things he did for me before he passed was to give me permission to LIVE in his earthly absence. Really live. He told me to love again. [I know that sounds strange, believe me—it sounded unfathomable to me at the time! But if it ever happens in my future, I know I have his blessing.] He told me to have fun.
Last month I got to go on a little fishing excursion with a friend. I had an absolute blast! The peacefulness of being on the water brought back lots of fun memories and even though the fish weren’t biting, my soul enjoyed the change of scenery and the simple comfort of just hanging out.
My life today does not stand in competition against my previous years with him. Both seasons have beauty; both seasons have had hard things and hurts. Each are uniquely their own.
I had a wonderful early October birthday when we were treated with a super fun family night out to a Thunder game.
I have had a busy four days, actively living...spending time with several different friends. Art show, OSU walk around, OSU HOCO game, another Thunder game...it’s been so much fun for me! Even got to have brunch with Tim’s favorite surgeon yesterday. Such a blessing to spend time together laughing and bonding over our simultaneous singleness. I should have snapped a photo with her gorgeous self. Oh how he loved her!
Being with new friends and old friends over the past four days has filled me back up. Spending time just soaking up new experiences has revived my thirst for living; and ignited my desire for experiencing and treasuring the moments.
We get this one life. I want to live it well. I want to be surrounded by a tribe of wonderful and kind people.
I feel like I am succeeding in that goal. Which I know would make him proud, but more importantly...it makes me proud of myself. Stepping outside of my comfort zone and being vulnerable to include new people in my tribe is scary, but I think it will be worth it as I begin to dream new dreams for myself. I am grateful for my friends who walk alongside me and my God who faithfully strengthens me.
God is good....Even If. ❤️
Monday, October 29, 2018
Thursday, October 18, 2018
Today, I will slip my wedding ring back on as a symbol of his presence with us.
This girl of ours…she amazes me with her resilient spirit, her deep well of love for others, the wise use of her intelligence, her servant heart, and her strong work ethic. So very many character qualities of her Daddy that I see in her make me smile. She is witty and charming; strong beyond her years and she is one of the most giving souls I have ever known.
Watching her sacrificial serving of this team she loves over the past four years has been such an honor. The fact that she has done it all with Tim as her audience from heaven above shatters parts of me I didn’t even know were still intact. Senior years aren’t for weak mommas! And doing “this” two years back to back without him by my side has been a roller coaster of epic emotions.
Tonight, Macie has asked my dad to walk with us. We will be three generations of Reynolds strength and pride as we escort her to the 50 yard line.
Make no mistake; her Daddy is beaming down from glory exclaiming, “That’s my girl!” Macie, we are both so proud of the young woman you have grown into. You serve others with a selfless grace. You represent the Streller name and the name of our Savior with a fierce dignity.
I adore you and am honored to be your Mom.