Letting Go of the Me I Used to Be

I find myself longing to do more than just “exist”.  I desire to break through the fog of this phase and have a purpose for my life.  The problem is…I still want my old life back.  Not that I would want Tim to leave the heaven he is in and re-enter this sin-filled world and all of its pain; but I miss the Lori that was me years ago. 

The Lori that could facilitate a “Keepers of the Home” Bible Study and truly be living the principles in her life, I miss her.

The Lori that easily kept our lives organized and tidy, I miss her.

The Lori that was madly in love and felt cherished and appreciated by her man, I miss her and her feelings of security in her marriage.  (To be clear:  I don't miss marriage, I miss being married to my Tim!)

The Lori that was capable of not wearing hurt feelings on her sleeve or of not yelling “idiot” to other driver’s when they don’t perform to her standards, I (and I’m sure my kids also) miss her.

If I am 100% honest, that Lori who was able to lounge by her pool while completing her quiet time, I really miss her and her cushy lifestyle.

And while we are being real, the Lori who never had to balance her checkbook because there was always enough money (but did it anyway, because she was OCD), I miss her.  I miss both her OCD qualities and her ability to give generously to others without calculating every penny. 

This new Lori is blessed with a full time job that pays the bills and still allows flexibility in her schedule to be mom in the way her children are accustomed.  She lives in a comfortable home that she can afford.  She is a bit of a scatter-brain still, but I am seeing baby steps towards improvement.  (I actually noticed this morning that we are almost out of milk before we officially ran out.  Now if I can only remember to buy some today, all will be good.)

Yesterday, the Holy Spirit revealed to me that the new Lori is short on temper and long on justifications and excuses.  Not a pretty combination.  I was convicted of my selfishness and my self-righteousness.  While I have never been good at holding my opinions to myself, I really let my tongue do some wagging yesterday.  Nightfall found me lying in bed angry at multiple people.  Some whom I am very close to and some who are mere acquaintances, but ALL whom I felt had wronged me in one way or another. 

Hot tears burned my eyes as I justified my thoughts, my reactions and my haughty words.  The more I tumbled the thoughts and actions of the day around in my head the angrier I became.  My thoughts went something like this…

“How dare he/she exclude/speak to/act that way towards me.  If Tim were here, I would have someone to bounce these feelings off of.  {insert pity party here} Someone who would ‘side with me’ over the way people have wronged me.  Someone who would stand up for me and make it stop.” 

Then ever so slowly, those thoughts turned into this…

“Tim would listen and would tell me…‘Lori, that wasn't a kind response.’  He would help guide me in the right direction.” 

Wait….What?

With the shifting of my thoughts, the Holy Spirit began showing me the common denominator in all of my ugly encounters from the day.  Well yuck!  That common denominator was ME.  It was a humbling truth that did not make for a pleasant dose of reality.   

As I confessed and asked for forgiveness and our God washed the sins from my heart, I was reminded that in order to move forward, I can’t keep looking back with longing for all that I have lost.  The old Lori isn't coming back.  The current Lori is transforming into something new.  God can make her beautiful, but He isn't interested in making her back into her old self.  He has bigger and better plans.  He will dissipate the fog of this season and transform me into a life that honors Him with my choices, actions and words.  I have to be willing to let Him.  This requires my eyes be set on Him and on His eternal perspective.  

  

Some days I have my act together, and some days I don't.  It's a two steps forward, one step back kind of dance.  Truthfully, right now, many times it is all I can do to “exist” in each new day; but I am trusting that He will transform me beyond just existing and into who He desires for me to be.  He has proven Himself as faithful.  Time and time again.  I am ever so grateful that His mercies are new every single morning.  Every.  Single.  One.

Oh how I need a clean slate of new mercies with the dawn of each new day.

Today began better.  I was able to be thankful for the good of yesterday (dinner with a friend and our girls, lots of work accomplished/organized, the Holy Spirit's active involvement in my life), and I have wonderful plans this evening for a family date night.

New day.  New mercies.  New transformations.  I am looking with hope for my future and I am thankful for God's redeeming love!