Nine Years

It is such a long time - encompassing so many obstacles and much more growth and change than I ever could have fathomed. Depths of grief I wasn't sure we could climb out of and mountain top joys where we are always aware of your physical absence.

Nine years!

I was 42 when we said goodbye, now I am 51. Our children are now 22 and 23. So much life has been lived without you by our side.

It's hard to think of how different our lives would be today if you were still here.

Hard and useless.

Comparison can be a thief of joy.

I recently sat down to pay the kids' final semester bursar bills.

I cried with thankfulness to God for seeing us through these nine years.

I cried with the realization of the celebrations on the horizon where your presence will be missed.

I cried with gratitude for you., Thank you for loving us so completely,. Thank you for leading us. Thank you for providing for us. Thank you for choosing me in 1995 and for building our family together.

I am so incredibly proud of our children. Their resilience. Their work ethic. Their intense dedication to walk through their grief and improve on themselves. I am excited to see where this gift of education leads them in their lives; what trajectory their careers take, how they continue to grow personally. I may have written the checks, but they showed up, did the hard work well, and earned their soon to be awarded degrees.

A lot can change in nine years. A lot of positive can be accomplished.

I have faltered at plenty in this journey, but when it comes to our kids; I am confident your legacy has been honored and we have made you proud.

Timothy Wayne Streller

04/03/1968 - 01/11/2014

Even If

School Awards Assembly 2014

Lunch Date with Mom 2023

Just Like That

Just like that…they are leaving my nest again and returning to their college campuses. 

I sit here crying.

Some sad tears, because I will miss their lively banter and laughter filling this home. I will miss the deep discussions about the book he has just read as he enlightens me on authors and their history. I will miss him taking over my office desk to work on his newest graphic design creation. I will miss the giggles and watching Netflix shows with her while she sporadically shares about her new friends and her plans for her future. Shockingly, I’ll even miss making three meals a day and the endless cycles of laundry and dishes.

Some happy tears because I am just so stinking proud of who they are at their core and how they are navigating their lives into adulthood.

Some grief tears, because I want their dad here to witness it all and cheer them on in person. Although without his loss, they would be entirely different individuals. We all would. It is a grief that is so intimately woven within us; a loss that shattered us so devastatingly completely that there was no choice but to rebuild the pieces in a new way. So yes, I am sad for all that was lost and yet simultaneously happy for how we have chosen to survive and move forward.

We are approaching the eight year anniversary of their daddy’s relocation to heaven and I’d love to say the pain and missing have lessened; but that would be an untruth.  In some ways, the missing is heightened for them as they launch into societies where their father was never known. The ache never goes away. The grief lives inside each of us. We don’t need a date on a calendar to realize who is gone or how long they have been away; it exists within us every moment of every day. And yet eight years out, I personally still experience physical effects of the grief around special dates.

Gone too soon. By my standards. But my standards are not God’s. God is sovereign and Tim lived out every one of the days appointed to him on this earth. I want to scream, “this isn’t how their lives should be!” and yet, this is exactly how their lives were meant to play out according to the plan of their heavenly Father.  His sovereignty is a tough thing to grasp. He knows all. He works all things together for good and for His glory for those who love Him. He didn’t create cancer; He is the author of life. He didn’t design for broken families, but He is with us in our brokenness. My mind swirls with the struggles to understand it all.

That is where faith fills the gaps within all the cracks of my life. Faith tells me that no matter what lies ahead, God is already there. He has already prepared a path for me. He knew my entire life story before my creation. He knew theirs as well. He is at work within them, healing, and guiding. I rest in that truth. I leave these precious children at the foot of the cross where Jesus paid it all. Surrendering to His plans for each of us. Loving the gift of this front row seat in the lives of our children.

Go do good things, kiddos. Share yourselves and kindness with the world. You are loved beyond your wildest imagination and prayed over both on earth and in the heavens above.

 

A Podcast Interview: Memories and Missing

Yesterday morning, I sat with a friend and visited about widowhood.

She asked real questions and I gave raw answers.  We barely even noticed the microphone in front of us.

Today, her podcast interview was released.

My first thought while listening is, "Goodness gracious, I do laugh a lot in this life!" and I am not one bit sad about that fact!

Tim would be tickled that I am still laughing my way through this messy life.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/elizabethkaydyers-podcast/id1417204110?i=1000436964800&fbclid=IwAR19zGOQI3gvZ36Feettpa367VXZkp0vYETXWacmtTdgLfatJ-7qSkCHTcA

Back to Back Seniors

It’s Senior Recognition Night for my girl and “her” football team. 

Today, I will slip my wedding ring back on as a symbol of his presence with us.

This girl of ours…she amazes me with her resilient spirit, her deep well of love for others, the wise use of her intelligence, her servant heart, and her strong work ethic.  So very many character qualities of her Daddy that I see in her make me smile.  She is witty and charming; strong beyond her years and she is one of the most giving souls I have ever known.

Watching her sacrificial serving of this team she loves over the past four years has been such an honor.  The fact that she has done it all with Tim as her audience from heaven above shatters parts of me I didn’t even know were still intact.  Senior years aren’t for weak mommas!  And doing “this” two years back to back without him by my side has been a roller coaster of epic emotions.

Tonight, Macie has asked my dad to walk with us.  We will be three generations of Reynolds strength and pride as we escort her to the 50 yard line.     

Make no mistake; her Daddy is beaming down from glory exclaiming, “That’s my girl!”  Macie, we are both so proud of the young woman you have grown into.  You serve others with a selfless grace.  You represent the Streller name and the name of our Savior with a fierce dignity.

I adore you and am honored to be your Mom. 

Give Me Strength

Psalm 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

I am an over thinker.  Like, on the level of needing an Over-thinker’s Anonymous Group. 

It is how God designed me, and when used properly, I can solve intricate problems with organized thoughts and structured processes.  But when left unchecked….I can create drama in my mind that doesn’t even exist!  Isn’t that the truth with many of our personalities?  What may be one of our greatest strengths can also double as one of our greatest weaknesses.

By nature, I am a planner.  The old Lori was planning-obsessed to the point that I sinned in it.  I used my over thinking and planning as a source of feeling I could control things around me.  Tim’s cancer and eventual death revealed that false security of “control” in me and ripped it away permanently. 

Now I am intimately aware of both what I don’t have control of and what I am responsible for controlling.

I am solely responsible to keep my eyes on the King of Kings and Lord of Lords as He guides me to lead this family.  It is not the role I desired.  Oh how I cherished and thrived being under the leadership of my husband; how Tim honored me by placing me in charge of things like our budget, the children’s schedules, and our homes.  I was confident.  I miss being trusted to handle these things responsibly.  I still have to handle them, but now it isn’t out of a position of trust from anyone but out of necessity.  And it feels less like a privilege and more like just another thing I “have” to do alone.  Bitterness will creep in if I am not careful.  Exhaustion often overtakes me. 

I cannot control much of anything except where I place my eyes and how I respond to what I encounter in this life.

I’ve learned in the over four and a half years since his passing, that my attitude determines how this family moves forward.  Unfortunately, I’ve allowed the negativity of grief to rule my heart far too often.  When I allow the promises in God’s Word to be stolen from me by the enemy, we all suffer.  The enemy loves to distract me from Truth by placing negative thoughts (about others, about myself, about everything basically) on auto-repeat in my brain.  My efforts to keep all the balls in the air, to maintain structure for the kids, to keep their lives progressing with forward momentum and try to compensate for his loss by helping other areas of their life remain stable…it has drained me of myself.  And without realizing it, I let my depletion distract me from guarding my heart and mind from the negative thoughts and judgements that are untruths.

God is so patient with me!  I owe our precious children an apology for my failures.  They have lost so much in their young lives already.  I hate that I allowed a positive and cheerfully energetic mother to sometimes be stolen from them over the past few years as well.

I do have control of taking captive my thoughts. 

I do have control of how I respond to the crisis we have survived.

I do have control of keeping my eyes on the One who has never left our side; the risen One who extends His strength in my weakness.

I do have control over surrendering my emotions at the foot of the cross.

I have control over not sinning in my anger and disappointment.

With hands uplifted, I declare it is well with my soul. 

Oh Lord, give me strength to say and mean it is well with my soul!   

Thank You for Your redemptive love and careful correction in my life.

Your grace, oh Lord, washes over me again and again.  Your endless love pours down on our little family of three and I turn to You in praise and worship.  With a grateful heart for the privilege of being Mom to these two, I surrender my thoughts before Your throne and claim Philippians 4:8 over my mind.  Amen  

Christmas 2017 Emotions

I awoke this morning; conflicted emotions twirling about within my soul.

I am happy. I am blessed with these precious humans God has briefly given me charge over.

I am weeping.  I miss their daddy so very much. I mourn for all he has missed these past four years.

I am joy filled at who our children have grown to become; their sincerity, their humor {often inappropriate}, their perseverance. The process of growth always requires stretching and discomfort. It hasn’t been easy shepherding them to this point, and we will face difficulties in the path ahead as well; but when the dust settles on each day and I pause to observe, my heart finds answered prayers sprinkled throughout and deep gratitude.

I am specifically sentimental over the Christmas season this year.

My word for 2017 has been “open”.  I have prayed daily for God to prepare and open my heart for my future. (Think empty nest on the horizon here.) I have tried my hardest to remain grace filled and open minded in my parenting decisions. I have allowed myself to be open to the floodgate of griefs’ emotions as they have washed over me (so much hardness in this process).

And here we are, the three of us, entering the final days of 2017 together.  My heart is thankful. 

These people are such a glorious reflection of their father and my love affair. My three greatest gifts in this life are my personal salvation through Christ Jesus, the honor of being the wife of Tim Streller, and the privilege of being mom to these incredible humans.

Merry Christmas from the Streller Family

Every Little Thing

Yesterday, I cried for at least a solid one third of my day.

{I think that’s the real reason I don’t cry very often…I’ll leak a tear here or there, I’ll choke up and have to take a moment to regain my composure, but rarely do I ever just allow myself to bawl it out; because once I allow the floodgates to open…I can’t rein it back in.  There is definitely a point of no return.  And yesterday morning, I hit that point.}

Our kids are growing up.  I think that is what triggered this cry-fest.  All the years of us praying for the blessing of parenthood, followed by the years of praying daily over their lives and who they will become, praying fervently for God to mold them into independent, kind, leaders with a closeness to Him and good friendships…only to see it come to fruition. 

And now, we are embarking on an adventure that Tim and I dreamed together, yet I am left here alone to oversee; this launching of them into adulthood.  Their senior years of high school, the college visits and decisions, the family vacations, the navigation of first relationships; it’s a lot for a two parent home to guide.  And here I am.  Solo.  Quite frankly, I’m just winging it most days, trusting God to fill in the gaps of my parenting failures, and begging Him to help me pause to enjoy the blessing that these two are in each moment. 

Answered prayer is what they are.  My hearts cry was for the gift of motherhood.  God heard the petitions of my heart and granted me this blessing.  And with the blessing of being their mother, comes the experiencing of all their milestone life events.  Each one marvelously beautiful and joy filled!  Nothing can take away from that truth.  But likewise, each now has a tinge of sorrow and missing.  I refuse to give it permission to overpower the moments of happiness, but that heart-sting is still there.  

You see, once your spouse (or parent if you are a child) is gone, nothing is ever the same.  No joy experienced is without the shadow of missing.  There is always a longing for the lost one to be experiencing it beside you.  It never really goes away; this yearning for their presence. 

This is the place where joy and sorrow co-mingle.   

WE are the place where happiness and grief collide.

And it is okay.

The tears are okay.  The joy and laughter are okay.  It is ALL a swirl of our reality. 

Every little thing…he is missing from.  It simply is what it is.

So if you see me gazing off into the distance, eyes brimming with tears, breath ragged; know that I am just fine.  I am grateful for the blessings in my life.  I am trying my best to navigate witnessing the fulfillment of so very many shared dreams alone, and trying to soak it all in for the both of us.  Sometimes I get a little lost in the moment, but love always wins and gratitude is always present.