"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17b-19
(Disclaimer: This is going to sound so strange that I am almost afraid to even post it, but I figure that if I am feeling it and aware of the need for caution in this area....I have to assume that others are too and nobody is willing to talk about it.)
So here goes my confession...
I am finding that I have to be careful to not be more excited about one day being with Tim in heaven than I am about being there with Jesus.
That is the real,
and it is embarrassing to admit.
At times, I catch myself talking to Tim in my mind more than I am praying to Jesus.
I have a deep longing to be reunited with Tim in heaven. I am anxious to see him again, to hold his hand and touch his face. I am excited to have him show me around. I should be most excited about Jesus.
I am not saying that there is anything wrong in longing for our loved ones who have gone before us; however the Bible is clear about Who our first love should be. The Holy Spirit has made me acutely aware of my sin in placing my longing for Tim in front of my longing for more of Jesus.
When Tim was here, we made a conscious effort to keep Christ as the head of our marriage. It was our individual relationships with Jesus that came first, then our relationship with one another, then our relationships with the children. We knew our priorities and checked often to make sure we were living them.
Now, it's just me. I have my relationship with Christ, which is to be my top priority, then my children. In the newness of this widow gig, I am unsure where to place Tim in the lineup. He still has one of the largest portions of my heart. The physical loss of him doesn't change that fact.
And so, I find myself constantly thinking of heaven, and of Tim, and his experiences there.
Truthfully, sometimes I do that more than I think about heaven being where my Savior lives and has gone to prepare a place for me.
I know this sounds horrible for a Christian to admit. But guess what? I've never been one to "only share the pretty". It is what it is. Just maybe, someone else walking this road is catching themselves in the same thought process and also needs to be reminded...
*That our love for God should come first. (Matthew 22:37-39)
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
*That our thoughts should be fixed on Jesus. (Hebrews 3:1)
Therefore holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess.
*That Jesus is fully God and commands our worship. (Hebrews 12:28-29
Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."
Possibly, like me, someone also needs to remember...
*How we can't see the whole picture now, but we one day will!
(1 Corinthians 13:12)
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face; now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.
*How beautiful His sacrifice on the cross was and what it bought for us.
But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
The love we have with our spouses is beautiful. The love we have with our Savior is incomparable. It’s important that we keep Jesus FIRST. His love for us is higher and deeper than our comprehension.
Thank You God, for Your amazing grace and unending love. Forgive us when we place other people, or possessions in front of our awe and worship of You. Continue to use Your Holy Spirit to convict us and direct our paths towards righteousness. As, Your Word says in Isaiah 26:3, give us a steadfast mind so that we may walk in perfect peace as we trust in you. We trust in Your unfailing love, our hearts rejoice in your salvation! Amen.