“Surrender your whole being to Him to be used for righteous purposes.” ~Romans 6:13
Standing in our bathroom, knowing that the end was closing in on us, I began to sob. My husband wrapped his arms around me as my body shook and the tears flowed freely. For two years I had been rock solid, knowing that Tim didn't need a sniveling, distraught wife to add to his list of burdens to bear. Saving my tears for the middle of the night, when he was sleeping and the chemo was dripping, or for the shower. Let me tell you, if those shower walls could talk, they would have some stories about my “ugly face” silent cry! How I didn't drown, I’ll never know. On this evening though, I couldn't hold it all together for
If I close my eyes, I can still feel the strength of his arms wrapping around me, along with the lump of his port where I would typically have rested my head on his chest, and the valve of his PEG tube that he wore loosely strapped around his neck. Normally, I could have regained my composure, smiled up into his gorgeous blue eyes and assured him that the kids and I would be okay, but the combination of it all just swept me away in an emotional tidal wave.
“I know that I can do this,” I whispered. “God is faithful. He will continue to guide this family and I will raise our children in the same way we have planned. I know that I can….but I don’t want to.” Sobbing uncontrollably, I continued, “I don’t want to live this life without you. This is supposed to be “our” life and I don’t want to do it alone.”
As I write this, I am six months on the other side of his passing and if I am going to be completely honest with you (which I am)…I still don’t want to be doing “this” without him.
“This” guiding of our children through adolescents, it’s tough without their Daddy.
“This” attending church and sitting through “couples” studies, it’s awkward.
“This” making decisions for our family as the only adult, it’s exhausting.
“This” doing of life without my best-friend, biggest fan, and lover by my side…it’s lonely.
The beauty of the struggle is that while it isn't easy and it isn't always fun, God is continuing to bless our little family with the ability to do life well. I have surrendered my whole being to Him. I trust Him to use my life for His righteous purposes (Romans 6:13).
Some things will get easier in time and some things may never “get easier”, but you know what? I am learning to be content where I am. I want to stay surrendered to God, tucked under the shelter of His wings (Psalm 91:4), and leaning heavily into His promises.
As widows, we know just how hard and messy this life can get. Let's do "this" together ladies,
"this" leaning heavily into Jesus.
"this" wholly surrendering to Him.
And then, let's watch how He uses us for righteous purposes.
Thank you Lord that Your presence is enough. It is where we find strength to take the next breath, peace to guide our grieving hearts, and encouragement to finish the tasks before us. I want to live a life that honors You; I don’t have time to waste just going through the motions. I want to live with my whole being fully surrendered to You and used for righteous purposes. Amen.