Thursday, September 4, 2014

I Still Look for Him

Last night a friend asked me “When did you know Tim wasn’t coming back?  When did you stop looking for him to walk through the door?”  It’s a fair question from a very close friend.  I told her about how in July while at my brother’s house, I was the last one to walk out the patio door one evening and I literally said out loud, “Oh wait, let me grab my phone in case Tim needs me.”  ?????  Pretty sure he doesn’t have his cell phone with him anymore.  L 

Then today.  Yes, TODAY.  I drove past a Ford truck.  Of course, it was a silver F150 Lariat.  I actually turned and looked for Tim as the driver.  Really?

That stupid truck that he just HAD to have even though he knew he was terminal.

That stupid truck I lost $5,000 on when I had to sell it so soon after his death.

That stupid truck that made him SOOOO HAPPY!

I found myself driving down the road with tears streaming and a huge grin on my face.  Oh how I love that man!  And his joy over that stupid truck, well it made every single penny of loss worth it.

So I guess the truth of the matter is I still haven’t really grasped that he isn't coming back.  I mean, in my head I know it; and even a little bit in my heart I realize it; but some part of me still looks for him.  He is still the love of my life (second only to Jesus). 

Tomorrow I have a devotional going live on A Widow’s Might website and their Facebook page.  It recounts a tender moment between Tim and I that still brings tears to my eyes.  Like, I can’t even read my own post for edits because I bawl through the whole thing.  It is raw and it is real.  It shows my utter weakness and Tim’s amazing strength.  I hope you will take the time to read it.  I pray it ministers to the souls of many facing their own ugly yuck in this life. 

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