Last night a friend asked me “When did you know Tim wasn’t coming back? When did you stop looking for him to walk through the door?” It’s a fair question from a very close friend. I told her about how in July while at my brother’s house, I was the last one to walk out the patio door one evening and I literally said out loud, “Oh wait, let me grab my phone in case Tim needs me.” ????? Pretty sure he doesn’t have his cell phone with him anymore. L
Then today. Yes, TODAY. I drove past a Ford truck. Of course, it was a silver F150 Lariat. I actually turned and looked for Tim as the driver. Really?
That stupid truck that he just HAD to have even though he knew he was terminal.
That stupid truck I lost $5,000 on when I had to sell it so soon after his death.
That stupid truck that made him SOOOO HAPPY!
I found myself driving down the road with tears streaming and a huge grin on my face. Oh how I love that man! And his joy over that stupid truck, well it made every single penny of loss worth it.
So I guess the truth of the matter is I still haven’t really grasped that he isn't coming back. I mean, in my head I know it; and even a little bit in my heart I realize it; but some part of me still looks for him. He is still the love of my life (second only to Jesus).
Tomorrow I have a devotional going live on A Widow’s Might website and their Facebook page. It recounts a tender moment between Tim and I that still brings tears to my eyes. Like, I can’t even read my own post for edits because I bawl through the whole thing. It is raw and it is real. It shows my utter weakness and Tim’s amazing strength. I hope you will take the time to read it. I pray it ministers to the souls of many facing their own ugly yuck in this life.