Permission to Live

It isn't uncommon for me to wonder several times each day what Tim would think of something.

What would he think about a situation with one of the kids at school? How would he advise I handle it? 

What would he think about the threat of terrorism on American soil?  

What would he think about my outfit?   

How hard would he laugh over a witty comment? 

How would he plan for our future financially?  Would he approve of my decisions?

And on and on my mind goes.

Next month will mark my seventeenth month without having his opinion to help guide me, to carry on important conversations with, to share humor with and to validate my feelings.  

I am confident in what I know he would want from me.  He was very clear before his passing.  He wanted me to LIVE.  He wanted the kids and me to LAUGH and to continue to LOVE deeply.  He didn't want us holding back from participating fully in this life.  He, of all people knew what precious gifts life and fully living it are.  

He would say that we honor his memory best when we choose to keep loving and keep living.  He would want whatever remains of our lives to be full and rich with joy.

That has been easier said than done for the better bulk of this past year.  Grief takes a lot of personal work and is exhausting.  It is necessary for proper healing to occur, but the process is excruciating and tiring.  We still have work to do.   Grief continues to sneak attack us, and that might never change.  We will continue to work our way through it.  Each of us individually and the three of us as a family.

But I am seeing huge progress.  This house is filling with spontaneous laughter again.  Family games at the kitchen table.  Goofing off as we prepare dinner and clean the kitchen.  Improper but secretly hilarious table manners (Don't tell them I said that! I PROMISE they've been taught better).  Humorous interactions and sarcasm at a level that would make Tim incredibly proud.  Just tonight, the two of them ganged up and held me down while tickling my feet until I couldn't breathe from the laughing. (Something their father taught them years ago.)

I dare say, we are finally making it.  We have practiced the "Fake it 'til you make it" mentality and are beginning to see real progress.  Extended periods of happiness and genuinely positive attitudes.  It is beautiful.  The three of us are building fun memories together.  

And I think Tim would be smiling; he would think, "Well done, guys."

That thought, knowing we have his blessing in moving forward through life without guilt. It is yet another gift he has left us.  I am grateful.