On the days when I don’t want to get out of bed…I do it anyway. It is what Tim would expect from me and quite frankly, it is what I expect of myself. It’s taking that first baby step each morning that begins my day.
I am a widow at the age of 42. A planner by nature; this is not how I planned my life would be. I am only half way through my life expectancy. God willing, that’s a lot of unplanned future staring back at me. Just the thought of it is a little daunting.
For 19 years I was living my dream life. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. My husband was an incredible man. He loved me and adored our children, provided for us amazingly well, and had a true servant’s heart. I enjoyed being exactly where I was in this life. Even throughout the horrendous caring for Tim during his illness and eventual death, I was honored to be his wife and privileged to be his caretaker.
Then it happened. He died. Although I will forever be "Tim's wife", I no longer have the role of wife.
I still can’t quite figure out who I am without Tim.
So I decided to start by listing what has not changed.
- · I am still a mother. This part of my dream life is still here and I am still needed daily.
- · I am still an employee. Tim’s work ethic was beyond reproach and I can honor his memory by working hard for our family in my career.
- · I am still a friend. I can invest in the lives of my girlfriends and allow them to invest in mine.
- · I am still a member of our church. I can respect Tim’s servant heart by continuing to serve our church body. First thing on this list is to step back into my VBS music co-leader role in a few weeks.
- · I am still a daughter, sister, and aunt; and I am blessed with the best family ever!
- · I am still a child of the most High God. He has plans and direction for my life. This season of the “unknown Lori” is not hidden from Him.
I have learned many things on this journey over the past few years. One lesson is that when life seems confusing or overwhelming or uncertain….I must go back to what I know is true.
I may not have any idea of who God intends to grow me into being in my future; but I know exactly who He has made me to be right now. I know He is good. I know He is at work in my life.
This is where I will stay; focusing on obedience in the ministries He has given me (mother, family member, employee, church participant, and friend). I have a responsibility to continue choosing the next right thing and to keep placing one foot in front of the other. When God is ready, He will reveal the next step for me; one baby step at a time.
I have no doubt that one day I will turn around and see a beautiful path that each of these baby steps has added up to create. You see friends, when I go back to what I know is true…I arrive at the fact that my God is faithful.