There is Grace Here!

She sheepishly sticks her head in my office doorway, beginning her sentence with, “I’m sorry”.  This co-worker of mine has made a mistake she knows will cause additional time for me to sort out and fix.  She isn’t the first employee to enter my office today, presenting a problem that will delay my own work’s completion, and she knows it.  She proceeds to explain what happened, asking for guidance.  I pause, smile, and reply, “It’s okay--there is grace here”.

Same exhausting day, but now at home with my 13 year old daughter.  We’re discussing some tough stuff our family is walking through.  Both of our faces sporting tear-filled eyes, I assure her that I see her through eyes of grace and ask her to extend grace to herself.  Her simple reply is enlightening.  “But Mom, you KNOW I’m not good at that.”  {sigh}  She is her mother’s daughter.

Why is it that we oftentimes hold ourselves to unrealistic standards of perfection?  What part of us clings to stubborn thoughts that we always have to do better or be better?  I’m not saying we shouldn’t strive for improvement in all areas of our lives; but maybe, just maybe, we need to live under the extension of grace we more easily offer to others than to ourselves.

Sometimes this life can be daunting.  Mistakes are bound to happen.  And that’s okay.

There is grace here!

There is enough grace to go around for everyone; including ourselves.  After all, God’s grace is what purchased our salvation.  His grace covers us.

How easily we forget this.

“But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.”

Ephesians 4:7

It is grace that brought us here, and grace will see us through!

Do you need to cut yourself a bit of slack?  Let’s examine our hearts, digging until we find what’s at the root of these unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves.

For me, it is the sin of pride.  I expect perfection from myself…always, in all ways.  Sadly, sometimes those goals of perfection are more about me feeling like I am “in control” than they are about me honoring God.  Thankfully, there is an abundance of grace for my repentant heart!

For others it may be fear.  A fear of failure or a fear of not living up to the standards others place on you.  Oh, sweet sister, there is grace!  It is okay to fail.  Get back up, dust yourself off and continue on the journey.  Don’t beat yourself up over the failures; use them as a catalyst to propel you further under the umbrella of His amazing grace.

For my daughter, she has spent her life being assured by her Daddy there will always be people better than she is and there will always be people not as good as she is.  He meant this as a life lesson in contentment; she views it as a challenge to catch up to the people who are better than she is.

I look at our girl, and I see so much of her dad and me in her competitive, driven personality.  I pray she will learn at a far earlier age than I have, that extending grace to herself unwraps a beautiful peace within.  Peace that can only be given by our heavenly Father.

Let’s find the proper balance of drive and grace in our lives.  Let’s stop being so hard on ourselves.  After all, by definition, grace is getting what we do not deserve.  When we bring our mistakes, our brokenness, and our heartaches to the foot of the cross, God says “There is grace here.”  His grace extends to us in our lowest place; it draws us up and forward.

How much more will God use our extension of grace within ourselves to transform us into His likeness?

https://www.anewseason.net/a-new-season/grace/

Where are You Grace?

I am striving to be more grace-filled and some days I do a pretty good job of extending grace to both myself and those around me.

Then there are the other days.

The days when the alarm clocks fail and we are late getting out the door, kids forget things they “need” for their day, or I finish toting people to activities and arrive at my office to remember I didn’t turn the crockpot on for dinner.  The type of days where other drivers think both lanes of traffic are for their use; or ones where the grocery shopper in front of me clearly missed math class when they covered counting “ten items or less”.

And I respond with something less than grace; a loud sigh, a rolled eye, an under-the-breath exasperated comment.

You know what I’m talking about, right?  Oh, please tell me I am not alone in this!

Some weeks it seems more of these days are strung together than I would like to admit; but God is digging around in the tender soil of my heart, and He is growing grace there.  Slowly but surely, I am seeing my knee-jerk reactions soften into expressions of kindness and pliancy.

It is really something to marvel at.  How God takes our sin-filled, selfish responses and transforms us more into His likeness as we surrender ourselves to Him.  When we ask for help in changing the ugly parts of us into something that honors Him, He delights in making us new.

He extended saving grace to us.  We were not worthy of His gift.  We could do nothing to earn it; and still, He offered GRACE.  Oh sweet, amazing grace!

Just the thought of what Christ did for me, makes my attempts at justifying my ugly behavior with

“but they…”

absolutely futile.

Grace doesn’t care if we are frazzled or running late.  Grace extends love and compassion, regardless of the circumstances that surround us.  Grace is kind.  Grace shows the love of Christ to others.

God is everywhere…even at our wit's end.  He will enable us to extend grace, when we allow Him to.

Honestly, it’s kind of fun to watch people’s reactions when we give them grace instead of what the world standards say they deserve for their actions.

We are instructed in Ephesians 4:32,

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

So on those hard days, when grace isn’t the first thought that pops into my mind…I want God to quickly remind me to be generous with kindness.  If I’m going to err, let me err on the side of grace!

Father God, you are so generous to us.  Thank you for your saving grace.  You call us to be kind and compassionate.  I want to be a grace-filled woman who honors You with my words and actions.  Lord, please create in me a clean heart.  Use Your Holy Spirit to make me aware of my responses and convict me of my poor choices.  Thank you that you are everywhere, even at my wit’s end!  Amen.  

https://www.anewseason.net/a-new-season/where-are-you-grace/

My To Do List

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.”

Isaiah 55:8

Being a widow was not on my list of things to do in this life. 

Raising our children together into respectful, responsible adults who make an impact for Christ…yep, that was on my list.

Growing old with my husband by my side, experiencing retirement, traveling more, and loving on grandchildren…uh huh, check, that was on my list.

Being the cute elderly couple at the restaurant on a Saturday morning, holding hands and helping each other walk…was totally on my list!

Parenting two young teenagers’ solo, being 42 without a husband, experiencing this life alone…all not on the list.

Guess what?  These are all items God knew would impact my life; every single one of them were on His list.  Want to know what else He knew that had never entered my mind?  He knew I would need other women who have walked this road to come along side of me as encouragement, educators, and prayer warriors.  He knew I would need to become a part of a ministry that would be used by Him to heal my broken heart and the brokenness of so many other women caught in the grief cycle by the loss of their husbands.

If you can’t tell, I like lists.  More than that, I really like to know what is on MY list.  God doesn't always work that way.  He doesn't necessarily let me know exactly what is coming up next in my life.  I am learning that this is okay.  My trust is deepening because of Who He has proven Himself to be to me.  He is faithful, even when we face uncertainty.  Oh how He has ingrained this truth in my soul.  His ways are better even when I doubt or fail to understand them.  I can trust in His Word which tells me that His thoughts will not be my thoughts and my ways will not be His ways.  That is where faith comes in to play.

I believe that He has THIS…

this raising of children who honor Him in my home.

this ability to do life without my husband’s physical presence.

this stretching me more into His likeness.

It’s all on His list and under His control.  I believe He intends to give me a glimpse of what some of these lists entail at our conference in November.  I hope you will join us.  I’d love to hug your neck, sit beside you in the sessions and make our new “God” lists together! 

There is nothing better than having others on this road who truly know the depth of our pain; who grasp the daily struggle of sorting out our various new roles in this life without our husbands.  That is exactly what this conference will do for each of us.  It will allow us to fellowship together.  It will saturate our souls with refreshment and guidance to do this life well; and it will point us to the One who knows every single empty check-boxed item on our to-do lists and holds our future.  

https://www.anewseason.net/widows-might/my-to-do-list/

small Decisions

We can't wait for the grief to stop in order to live again.  Grief is never going away, it will never cease and that has to be okay.  The world wants us to "get over" losing someone.  We won't; but we can choose to keep living and to not stall out in a victim mentality.  God will make a beautiful life out of our willing obedience. 

                                                                           

It takes small decisions along the way to make big changes.

Little decisions like choosing to focus on God and what He is actively doing in our lives to bring healing rather than being self-absorbed with our loss.

Little decisions like looking at the “now” we are in, instead of reliving or longing for the past over and over in our minds.

Little decisions like selecting a Scripture to meditate on for the day or week.  (We use note cards and a key ring binder to keep verses we are memorizing easily accessible.)

Little decisions like serving others.  Taking our constant focus off of ourselves and opening our eyes, ears and hearts to others around us.

Each of these examples (and there are so very many more), will propel us in the right direction of living again.

There was a line in the children's movie The Crood's that went something like this,

"That's not living, that's just trying not to die."

Hmmm....There is a difference.

I want my life to be more than just an existence or merely an effort to not die.  I want to LIVE; to experience LIFE; to thrive in this journey God has laid out before me.  I never want to lose my laughter.

More importantly, I never want my kids to lose theirs.  I long for them to one day look back on how we are navigating life with our grief and be able to say "God led us and we followed well".  I want them to be proud of the fact that we chose to keep living and did not lock ourselves away in the chains of sorrow.  That through God’s strength we allowed ourselves to experience the sorrow without allowing it to permanently overtake us.

Let’s face it the sorrow will always be with us.  This loss isn't something we will ever “get over”.  Sorrow is unavoidable; but we do not have to give it the power to rule over us.  Only God holds that position of power and in Him there is joy!

So today, I am remembering to make the small decision to choose Him; to choose His joy.  I am confident that as I create the habit of continually choosing God, His joy will make big changes in the direction of my family's destination. 

Live Beautifully

Today I am writing for A Widow's Might.  Come on over and join me, here is a link to the blogpost.

https://www.anewseason.net/widows-might/live-beautifully/

Someone is Still Watching Over Me

I am at my brother’s home.  The kids and I traveled about 11 hours yesterday to be here and were greeted with the cutest little 3 year old niece waiting in the driveway and waving frantically.  It was my first long road trip as the lone adult driver….ever.  Tim would be proud of me.  Truth be told, I am proud of me!  The kids and I made it in record time with smiles on our faces and laughter along the way.

We are here eagerly awaiting the arrival of my nephew, who “should” come next week.

Last night, as I stepped out on the back patio to join everyone else, I turned back to grab my phone “in case Tim needed to get in touch with me”.  {sigh}  Will being a widow ever feel natural?  I don’t know.  A little over 6 months into this new life and I miss his protection, his concern and care, his leadership.  I miss pretty much everything about him.  I’m sure that’s normal. 

It’s my new normal, anyway.

It seems weird that I forget he is gone sometimes.  Pick up the phone to check for a text from him.  Crawl into bed and instinctively turn to say good night.  Sometimes I am still even startled when I walk out into the garage and his truck isn't there.  Silly, since I am the one who sold it…but I guess I subconsciously still crave the comfort of the familiar.

Sometimes I just want to say, “Whoa, God.  I don’t get this.”  Thankfully, that is okay!  He doesn't expect me to fully understand the turn my life has taken; and He knows the gamut of emotions I experience on a daily basis.  All He requires from me is that I trust Him.

  

So this morning, as I reached for my phone to text Tim a cute photo of the cousins together, I am reminded of Scripture.    

Psalm 139:1-4

 “O Lord, you have searched me

and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;

you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O Lord.”

Tim may not be checking on me like he used to do, but Someone already has me covered anyway.  There is such peace in knowing God is fully aware of how disappointed my heart is now that I am separated from Tim.  I may not have an earthly husband to guide and protect me, but as the Scripture continues, I am assured that my heavenly Father remains faithful!

Verse 5

“You hem me in—behind and before;

you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,

               too lofty for me to attain.”

Let's be honest, I may never fully grasp the loss of my husband.  There will come a time when I will no longer reach for the phone expecting his call or text, but I’m quite certain I will continue to think of him and miss him.  Especially during important life events for the kids and me, those moments I will treasure in my heart; being hopeful that God gives Tim a window from heaven to see how well He is carrying us through.

I may be a widow, but I am still cherished and deeply loved.  My comings and my goings matter.  Someone is aware of them…even before they happen.  

That truth comforts me.   

Six Month Mark

Tomorrow will be six months.  It feels like a million years ago and it feels like yesterday, all at the same time.  Painful memories of a two year, all-encompassing battle for Tim’s earthly life flood my mind daily.  Triggered by random experiences, I am taken back to an onslaught of flashbacks at any given moment. 

What a fighter he was.  For 16 months of his battle, he had no swallow.  NONE.  I used a headlight, medical gloves, tongue depressor, face mask and surgical tweezers to pull the dried saliva and blood out of his mouth and throat at least twice daily for 473 days.  Think on that for a minute. 

He.  Never.  Complained. 

Tim Streller was just as gracious, appreciative, and dignified “behind the scenes” with me and the kids as he was in public.  What an absolutely amazing man I had the privilege of calling my husband.  What a blessing for our children to have him as their Daddy. 

This morning, thunder boomed loudly, startling me awake.  Lightening flashed across the sky, illuminating our bedroom.  A loud thunderstorm rolled over our home; heavy rain pounding the windows.  It was gone within twenty minutes, but I was left awake and thinking.

Will I one day look back on the two years of Tim’s illness as a short thunderstorm in my life?  Not our marriage, not our love affair, and certainly not the loss of him…but the sickness and the battle to survive that we so valiantly fought side by side.  Will remembering these years eventually be less painful?  In many ways I hope so.  Oh how the rawness of it is still incredibly tender and aching memories are triggered easily; but I oddly also hope the pain never ceases to swallow me when my mind is brought back to this place time and time again.  I don’t like pain and sorrow.  Who does?  But here is my fear.  Without the sharp, physical grief that these memories bring, I am scared I won’t fully remember the ways in which God comforted us. 

The extent of His love blows my mind.  That is truly what I don’t ever want to forget; the powerful comfort from our great and mighty God during this treacherous journey.  He calls us in Scripture to use the comfort He has given us in our troubles to bless others in the same way (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).  Through Christ, my comfort overflows. 

Friends, God is faithful.  Whatever storms we face in this life, He never leaves our side.  His strength and His power alone are what have sustained our family on this journey.  The peace of Jesus Christ is beyond human explanation.

He goes before us and fights our battles (Deuteronomy 1:30).

His love for us will last forever (Jeremiah 31:3).

We can trust in Him, for He will never forsake us (Psalm 9:10).

He watches over us and He listens to our prayers (1 Peter 3:12).

So as the kids and I (and the rest of the family and friends who love and miss Tim) navigate this grief process, I pray we never forget the goodness of our God.  May the intensity of those feelings of comfort and love never leave our hearts or minds.   

Lord, come close.  Turn our sadness into joy (Psalm 30:5).  Be glorified in this journey.

Even if…..