Monday, July 28, 2014

Someone is Still Watching Over Me

I am at my brother’s home.  The kids and I traveled about 11 hours yesterday to be here and were greeted with the cutest little 3 year old niece waiting in the driveway and waving frantically.  It was my first long road trip as the lone adult driver….ever.  Tim would be proud of me.  Truth be told, I am proud of me!  The kids and I made it in record time with smiles on our faces and laughter along the way.

We are here eagerly awaiting the arrival of my nephew, who “should” come next week.

Last night, as I stepped out on the back patio to join everyone else, I turned back to grab my phone “in case Tim needed to get in touch with me”.  {sigh}  Will being a widow ever feel natural?  I don’t know.  A little over 6 months into this new life and I miss his protection, his concern and care, his leadership.  I miss pretty much everything about him.  I’m sure that’s normal. 

It’s my new normal, anyway.

It seems weird that I forget he is gone sometimes.  Pick up the phone to check for a text from him.  Crawl into bed and instinctively turn to say good night.  Sometimes I am still even startled when I walk out into the garage and his truck isn't there.  Silly, since I am the one who sold it…but I guess I subconsciously still crave the comfort of the familiar.

Sometimes I just want to say, “Whoa, God.  I don’t get this.”  Thankfully, that is okay!  He doesn't expect me to fully understand the turn my life has taken; and He knows the gamut of emotions I experience on a daily basis.  All He requires from me is that I trust Him.

So this morning, as I reached for my phone to text Tim a cute photo of the cousins together, I am reminded of Scripture.    

Psalm 139:1-4
 “O Lord, you have searched me
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O Lord.”

Tim may not be checking on me like he used to do, but Someone already has me covered anyway.  There is such peace in knowing God is fully aware of how disappointed my heart is now that I am separated from Tim.  I may not have an earthly husband to guide and protect me, but as the Scripture continues, I am assured that my heavenly Father remains faithful!

Verse 5
“You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
               too lofty for me to attain.”

Let's be honest, I may never fully grasp the loss of my husband.  There will come a time when I will no longer reach for the phone expecting his call or text, but I’m quite certain I will continue to think of him and miss him.  Especially during important life events for the kids and me, those moments I will treasure in my heart; being hopeful that God gives Tim a window from heaven to see how well He is carrying us through.

I may be a widow, but I am still cherished and deeply loved.  My comings and my goings matter.  Someone is aware of them…even before they happen.  

That truth comforts me.   

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