Monday, March 30, 2015

I Miss

Sitting in my junior year Accounting class, the substitute teacher asks each of us what is most appealing about a career in accounting and why we want to pursue it.  I raise my hand and speak truthfully, something like “I want to work in accounting because it is a career path that will allow me to be a wife and a mother while working from home.”  This was probably not the expected answer in 1988, when women were proudly becoming the main bread winners for their families. 

But it was my heart.  It was my heart at 16 and it is my heart now. 

Truly, all I've ever wanted was to be a good wife and mother.  I enjoy using my brain in other ways too and like to crunch numbers and solve accounting problems, but my heart is in my home life. 

didn't rush into marriage.  I was twenty three and a half when I walked down the aisle.  Had already graduated from college and begun my career.  Oh how I rejoiced in being a wife.  I lovingly tended to our home and all the “behind the scenes” tasks that made it a comfort zone for Tim and our kids.  I enthusiastically poured myself into our foster children.  Homeroom mom, school foundation member, workroom volunteer…they were things that brought me joy.

I cherish the privilege of motherhood.  I am so very thankful to still have the role of mother to our two children and hope to one day foster little ones again. 

But I am also mourning the lost role of wife

I miss middle of the day phone calls or texts when he would “just check on me”.  I miss having a safe and non-judgmental sounding board for my thoughts.  I miss the way he would sincerely thank me for each meal before rising from the table to help wash dishes.  I miss having him hold me accountable in my Spiritual growth.  I vainly miss being told I am pretty.  I miss holding his hand and being kissed.  I miss finding cards expressing his appreciation for all I do.  I miss him leaving me a snickers bar and a Dr. Pepper to help me get through my day.  I miss date night.  I miss evening conversations and snuggles. 

I miss being one of two. 

I miss standing at his shoulder and smiling as he so comfortably led conversations.  I miss the laughter, the inside jokes, the “look” exchanged when we were in a crowd and “knew” what the other was thinking. 

I miss his parenting.  Man, doing this alone is quite possibly the hardest thing I face in my “new” life.  And our kids are great kids; easy by societies standards.  But parenting is just hard.  And parenting solo can be overwhelming. 

I miss his leadership in this home.  He trusted me, fully and without question, I miss that feeling of knowing someone believes in me.  I miss having a teammate and cheerleader and I miss being his number one cheerleader too.

I miss hearing about his work.  I miss being asked about my opinion. 

When all I've ever wanted to be is a wife and mother and one of those roles gets ripped away, it’s hard to find a new goal or passion in life.  I find myself wondering what I want to do, who I want to be, how I want the rest of my story to be written.

And honestly, I have no clue.  Sure wish I could visit with him about it.  Ask for his advice.

I do know that God promises to never leave my side.  I am leaning hard into Jesus and asking Him to guide my path.  He knows my now and He knows my tomorrows.  I am praising Him for those truths. 

I am daily laying my messy "missings" at the foot of the cross.

And I am buckling up my seat belt as He directs my future. 


  1. So good and honest. Praying for you as your continue to walk this path with your Savior as your guide and companion. <3

    1. Thanks Mrs. Troop, prayers are always appreciated. God is good.

  2. The 'missing' never goes away. Our husbands are with us but NOT with us. With Jesus as our strength, we will make it through this journey. Every day is a new gift, an experience to keep on trusting Jesus with all of our life.

    God's continued blessings on you and your family.

    Love, hugs and prayers ~ FlowerLady

    1. Thanks Lorraine. You are so right, every day is a new gift. Love that!

  3. For what it is worth, it is a bit of amazing to know that another widow understands. Thank you for your unguarded honesty.

    1. Oh sweet anonymous sister, I know your pain and I understand. Although each widows journey is individual and deeply personal, we have so many things alike as well. Our struggles, our victories, they are similar. Lean hard into Jesus, friend. He loves you and will guide us on this path.

  4. Lori - I have been reading through your blog and it has really begun to help me through my journey which is almost identical to yours. I lost my wife to a 3 year battle with breast cancer that almost mirrors your journey. Expect that she met with Jesus on April 8th this year. She was 43 and we were married 20 years last November. I seek refuge in your writings as guidance to get through day-by-day. Thanks so much for sharing and allowing me to follow in your steps.

    1. Dear Annonymous,
      What fresh grief you are walking through right now. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Oh how I hate cancer; but I love our God more. He is faithful to stay right beside us in the heaviest of grief. I wish I knew of a widower page to refer you to for additional support in your journey. Possibly a local Grief Share meeting would be helpful?
      While each of our stories are individual, I can say that I understand the deep pain of watching your spouse battle this nasty disease. And the inner frustration and confusion of continuing to live a future without them here with us.
      I'm stopping this morning to specifically lift you up to God. Praying He comforts you as only He can and that He leads you to walk in this life victoriously with His grace and strength.
      Thanks for stopping by, I'm grateful God is using my writing to encourage another on this path. ~Lori