I Miss

Sitting in my junior year Accounting class, the substitute teacher asks each of us what is most appealing about a career in accounting and why we want to pursue it.  I raise my hand and speak truthfully, something like “I want to work in accounting because it is a career path that will allow me to be a wife and a mother while working from home.”  This was probably not the expected answer in 1988, when women were proudly becoming the main bread winners for their families. 

But it was my heart.  It was my heart at 16 and it is my heart now. 

Truly, all I've ever wanted was to be a good wife and mother.  I enjoy using my brain in other ways too and like to crunch numbers and solve accounting problems, but my heart is in my home life. 

I didn't rush into marriage.  I was twenty three and a half when I walked down the aisle.  Had already graduated from college and begun my career.  Oh how I rejoiced in being a wife.  I lovingly tended to our home and all the “behind the scenes” tasks that made it a comfort zone for Tim and our kids.  I enthusiastically poured myself into our foster children.  Homeroom mom, school foundation member, workroom volunteer…they were things that brought me joy.

I cherish the privilege of motherhood.  I am so very thankful to still have the role of mother to our two children and hope to one day foster little ones again. 

But I am also mourning the lost role of wife. 

I miss middle of the day phone calls or texts when he would “just check on me”.  I miss having a safe and non-judgmental sounding board for my thoughts.  I miss the way he would sincerely thank me for each meal before rising from the table to help wash dishes.  I miss having him hold me accountable in my Spiritual growth.  I vainly miss being told I am pretty.  I miss holding his hand and being kissed.  I miss finding cards expressing his appreciation for all I do.  I miss him leaving me a snickers bar and a Dr. Pepper to help me get through my day.  I miss date night.  I miss evening conversations and snuggles. 

I miss being one of two. 

I miss standing at his shoulder and smiling as he so comfortably led conversations.  I miss the laughter, the inside jokes, the “look” exchanged when we were in a crowd and “knew” what the other was thinking. 

I miss his parenting.  Man, doing this alone is quite possibly the hardest thing I face in my “new” life.  And our kids are great kids; easy by societies standards.  But parenting is just hard.  And parenting solo can be overwhelming. 

I miss his leadership in this home.  He trusted me, fully and without question, I miss that feeling of knowing someone believes in me.  I miss having a teammate and cheerleader and I miss being his number one cheerleader too.

I miss hearing about his work.  I miss being asked about my opinion. 

When all I've ever wanted to be is a wife and mother and one of those roles gets ripped away, it’s hard to find a new goal or passion in life.  I find myself wondering what I want to do, who I want to be, how I want the rest of my story to be written.

And honestly, I have no clue.  Sure wish I could visit with him about it.  Ask for his advice.

I do know that God promises to never leave my side.  I am leaning hard into Jesus and asking Him to guide my path.  He knows my now and He knows my tomorrows.  I am praising Him for those truths. 

I am daily laying my messy "missings" at the foot of the cross.

And I am buckling up my seat belt as He directs my future.