Birthday Joy?

Yesterday I turned 43.  

I was semi-dreading the day.  It was my first birthday without the love of my life by my side in over two decades.  

Firsts are hard stuff.  

I have days where I feel the brokenness inside of me healing; I can look with hope towards our future.  

Other days, it takes all of my energy and strength to keep my head faced forward.  

The missing of what we had, maybe that’s what hurts the most.  Life really was truly such a wonderful thing.  Tim made tough times bearable and good times amazing.  My man was hilarious in a dry, sarcastic sort of way.  We were quite the pair and this home was filled to the rafters with laughter every day.  We laughed through our tears and clung to our God and each other in the difficulties of life.  

So, you can imagine my trepidation of facing yesterday without my best friend.

I woke up yesterday filled with…peace and joy;

the kind of deep down in my soul joy that bubbles up from within.  

Peace that I knew we were going to make it.  The kids and I are building a new kind of fabulous life together.  I had a happiness that is indescribable.  

I didn't expect it.  

All day, I had this “keep looking forward” attitude that I woke up with.  

I can’t explain it with any other word than JESUS.  I could literally feel Tim’s prayers over me.  Did my joy get intermingled easily with tears?  Absolutely, but they were the sweet tears.  As memories of both good and bad times fluttered through my mind, my heart remained happy. 

I smiled at my “happy” in the simplicity and "normalness" of a day. 

Then it hit me…we have found our new normal. 

I make mistakes daily in this single parenting gig, but I am trying hard; constantly evaluating my attitude and trying to connect with our children in a way that nurtures both the “mothering” and the “fathering” that they need and deserve.  And I am leaning hard into God for guidance.  

I think Tim would be proud…and that makes my heart soar.  

I want to honor God and I want to honor this man who walked beside me in this life as my biggest fan, best supporter, lover, and friend.  The longer I walk, with each minute of every day without him, the more incredible I realize he was.  Don’t get me wrong, I KNEW I had a keeper!  It’s just that hindsight can show me even more things to appreciate about his character and his love.

So at 43, I don’t find myself without my husband as much as I find myself with

the love he left behind,

the wisdom he guided this family in,

the optimism that permeated his life,

and the laughter he echoed in our home, our hearts and our souls.

I am grateful.  I rejoice in God's love.

Don’t you worry, Tim…I've got this!  I've got it with a confidence because it isn't me at the helm, it is God and He never disappoints.  

Just like you proclaimed until your final breath, God is God, God is good, forever Faithful One.

Even If…