I can’t even explain why the seven year anniversary of my late husband’s passing hit in such a raw and fresh way; but man did it break down the flood gates of my tears.
Uncontrollable, guttural, breath-stealing sobs wrecked me multiple times throughout the day. Triggered by the most random things; a long early morning commute to work on a nearly empty highway; a friends name popping up on my ringing phone; walking into a lunch to see the faces of two dear friends who have faithfully walked the past nine years by my side; memory flashes of his final hours of suffering on this earth; scrolling up on a social media post from Mark’s late wife’s BFF and my heart shattering again for everyone who has suffered her loss; hearing my son answer his phone with a “hello, momma”...every little thing set me off.
A long commute back home.
A husband who without hesitation asks “how can I help?” the second he learns my emotions have run away from me all day, then rushes home to build me a fire in the fire pit.
And he lets me cry.
He lets me sit and drink my wine beside the fire he built for me as the sun sets. He kisses my forehead and he returns to the house to prepare dinner for the kids while I sit with my thoughts.
Grief tears pour down my frozen cheeks as my heart breaks over and over again for our children and their journey. Tears of sorrow over what has been lost mix with tears of gratitude for a man who loves me so well in my new that sometimes it leaves me speechless. (No small feat there 😉.)
A man who understands. A man who doesn’t judge me for the uncontrollable eye leakage. A man who loves me deeply.
I fell asleep last night after a day filled with so much hard and my heart was overflowing in gratitude to God for sending me a man who exceeds any expectation I could have ever considered having. My man. My present and my future. A good man.
Thank you for sharing that. Some people don't get that remarriage does not take away the pain of grief.
ReplyDeleteYes, Lori, we are incredibly blessed to have two true loves in one lifetime. Sorrow and joy co-habit in our hearts. Love for our 2nd husband doesn't snuff out the love for our first. It's impossible to forget him, even twenty years later. It's the price of love. It's a privilege and a sacred honor. Welcome to the club my dear. You can do this. Love grows, it doesn't compartmentalize or divide itself between people. Some years are harder than others, just roll with it. Some years are a lot easier than others too. :)
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