His Birthday

Tomorrow would be his 48th brithday.

It's the third time we have faced this day without him by our side.

The weirdest thing is that the sun rises and falls each day just the same as always.  At first, I was baffled the entire earth didn't abruptly halt its rotation when he breathed his last breath.  OUR world froze in place, but life around us continued.  Calendars flip months, and years progress.

Our every reality was so altered by the loss of Tim, that we have spent the past few years fighting through slow motion for each opportunity to feel the sunshine on our faces.  Some months all we could feel were rain drops and hail stones when we mustered the courage to lift our faces upward.  Other days, we were incapable of even lifting our heads to check for any rays the sun might be spilling our way.  There have also been moments of fresh air breathed in deeply and precious hope.  Those are the moments that have carried us through the monotony of this life. 

I never could have dreamed how difficult this journey would be for our children and me.  The emotions are not containable at times.  They simply are not.  Tears flow.  Anger rages.  Misery settles.  But I do a disservice to God if I don't also admit that there are positive emotions present too. 

Joy dances.  Peace swirls.  Love settles.  Strength embodies.

We crave more than to just live.  We desire to do more than simply exist "trying not to die", we long to be more than survivors.  We want to shatter expectations and stereotypes of young widows and fatherless children.

We are more intently looking for the sun to wash us with its warmth. 

We are looking for the Son to wash us in His warmth.

I wonder.  Do the saints celebrate the day of their earthly birth?  Probably not, but we will always remember April 3rd as his day. 

Happy Birthday, Babe!  You are loved.  You are remembered.  You are appreciated.  Your life mattered and your legacy lives on.  We are accepting the new mercies of God with each sunrise.  We are thinking of and missing you with each sunset.  We are digging deep to follow your example of taking the next right step, making the next right decision, choosing the next right thing.  I would be lying if I said we are not eager to be with you again.  The missing is so deep, the loss felt in every fiber.  But we are deliberately choosing to live this life to the fullest in honor of your memory and to bring glory to God.  Our God has been ever faithful.  Our God has never once left our side in the darkness of this battle.  Our God is our strength, He is our stability.  He alone causes the sun to rise each morning and we are grateful to Him for your life and the time we were blessed to have you; we are grateful for each day He gives us.  We will view them as the gift that they are and be intentional in our living.