It's ALL Hard; Choose Your Hard

 

It is hard to be stuck in grief.

It is hard to walk through the heaviness of grief and process the pain so you can move forward.

CHOOSE YOUR HARD.

It is hard to regret poor food choices and neglect your health to the point of obesity.

It is hard to wake up early and prioritize your personal health and fitness goals.

CHOOSE YOUR HARD.

It is hard to “check out” from parental responsibilities and then deal with the aftermath of your absence in your children’s lives.

It is hard to be truly present with your children and remain consistent and firm in your parenting.

CHOOSE YOUR HARD.

It is hard to face difficult times without a firm foundation in God.

It is hard to be diligent in setting aside daily time for Him.

CHOOSE YOUR HARD.

It is hard to date.

It is hard to be single.

CHOOSE YOUR HARD.

It is hard to feel isolated in a relationship and watch it crumble around you seemingly out of your control.

It is hard to roll up your sleeves and work through the communication that will make you a stronger couple.

 

CHOOSE YOUR HARD. 

It is hard to keep your experiences locked inside yourself.

It is hard to be vulnerable enough to share your story.

CHOOSE YOUR HARD.

 

In this life, we have choice after choice to make.  Which "hard" will you choose for yourself?  Because really, it's ALL hard; so choose YOUR hard wisely.

Fill My Days with Living

 

 

“And Job died, an old man, and full of days.”

Job 42:17

My husband died in the supposed prime of his life. He was 45 years young when he passed away.  He never even got to have his midlife crisis!  In a few weeks, it will be my 45^th birthday.  The shock of being alone has worn off over the past few years.  The rhythm of this new dance without him by my side has settled into its familiar cadence.  Grief cuts in occasionally now, but the debilitating occurrences are further apart.  Maybe partially because I refuse to slow dance with my grief over and over again or possibly because the time spent on the dance floor of widowhood has changed me.

I appreciated my husband. I was blessed and I knew it.  I had one of the good ones; a hard worker and great provider, an involved father to our children, a follower of Christ, and a hilariously witty man.  May I tell you a secret?

 

Sometimes it makes me sad that he isn’t here to be loved by the new me. 

 

Don't get me wrong, we loved each other well, but losing him has made me more aware of my faults and flaws in the marriage.  It has given me fresh perspective on struggles we encountered and how I could have been more for him.  He knew he was cherished and respected.  He was secure in my love for him.  We had great communication and a ton of laughter.  But, if I was given a do-over with him as who I am now, I think he would be pleasantly surprised at how mellow his loss has made me.  I hope I would remember to sweat the small stuff less, not worrying over the goal of perfection in each area of our lives.  We loved our life together, but I'm fairly certain he would be super proud of my increased passion for living.

Tim was perfect for me as he softened my rough edges and taught me it is okay to not always have a plan A, B, and C.  Losing him to cancer taught me that I can only control my responses to life’s circumstances, not always the circumstances themselves. I am softer in many ways and much stronger in others.  I still laugh at most things (that is just part of who I am and part of why he loved me); and in general, I now tend to keep things lighter and more relaxed around our home.  I am more tolerant of others personal journeys and less accepting of unnecessary input and opinions in my life.  I wish my Tim could be loved by this Lori.  I am a better person for the spins I have taken on the dance floor of terminal illness, death, and the aftermath of loss.

Losing him caused my deepest pain so far in this life.  I could choose to park myself in that despair, focusing on the negative, and miss the gifts his loss gave me.

The gifts of…

awareness that time is fleeting and we won’t all be given a life “full of days”, which causes a sense of urgency within me to fill my days with living!

knowing God’s strength will never fail me, and choosing to tap into His strength!

a deeper desire to enjoy the now and the wisdom to slow down and soak up moments!

Worth It

On this weekend, 23 years ago I went on a blind date to an outdoor rodeo with a handsome cowboy whose blue eyes and sly smile intrigued me.

I’ve made a lot of poor choices in this life.  I have plenty of regrets.

Reluctantly agreeing to meet Tim Streller at a rodeo was neither.  Instead, it was one of the best decisions of my life.

We had twenty years of laughter and love.  God built a beautiful life and an amazing family for us.  We experienced heartache and joy holding tightly to each other’s hands.  Our life together was spectacular.  We kept our eyes on Christ and prioritized open and honest communication, even when it was painful to do so.

A good marriage is work.  It requires the desire to build the other up with kindness and encouragement.  It demands self-sacrifice and commitment.  It requests honor, protection, and respect; but a good marriage is also FUN and carefree.  It is comfortable and casual.  It is late night giggles and arms wide open.  It prefers to do life together.  It is safety and security, in it you find the one place you can be completely you without risk of judgment or abandonment.

A good marriage has you knowing you are treasured and chosen.  It is rolling up your sleeves and working beside each other for common goals.  It is being the cheerleader outside of the limelight, the quiet supporter of each other’s dreams. 

I am immensely proud to have been the wife of a man who chose to make me feel beautiful even when I wasn’t (both internally and externally); one who challenged me to be the best version of myself; one who didn’t walk away in the hard, but stayed in the messy and did the work to make us a better team.

I’m forever grateful I said “yes” to the rodeo blind date that late September evening.  And even knowing now how our lives would end up, I’d tell that young girl to SAY YES AGAIN!  The two decades together were worth it.  His love was worth it. 

 

      

His Voice!

We are a picture taking family. Anyone who attended Tim's Celebration of Life service can attest to that fact. However, we have never owned a video camera or been big into home movies.

I regret that now.

He has been gone for over two and a half years and was ill for two years before his passing. He had throat cancer. His voice changed drastically throughout his battle.
...

It pains me to admit, we have forgotten the sound of Tim's healthy voice. Today, as I was going through photos on my computer and reminiscing over our daughter's childhood in this, her 16th birthday month, I came across some iphone footage of Tim in the pool with the kids and in the driveway with my parents dog. I have played them too many times to count and was just able to share them with the kids.

Tears!

To hear his strong voice and contagious laughter again warms my soul. The thought of him having a restored healthy voice makes me joy filled.

He will always be missed, forever be loved, continually be appreciated and respected.

Today's find didn't leave me crumpled on the floor in despair. Instead, it found me crying through my smiles and laughter as I listened over and over to the sound of his voice.

I think God led me to find those videos as a little birthday gift for our girl who just last week commented that she missed his voice and couldn't remember how it sounded anymore.

He is still at work in our lives. Our God is redeeming years of pain for His glory. He is an intimate Savior who cares about the little things that matter to us.

And I am one grateful Momma!

 

LIVE RIGHT NOW, Trust God Has Your Tomorrow

Even when it feels like life isn't going "as planned".

Even if you've made mistakes you can't imagine Him redeeming.

Even though you have walked through loss that seems impossible for Him to provide restoration in.
...

He has already made a path for your future. The tree has been planted. Your future needs will be met.

Learn to rest in the now, forgive the past, and have hope for the "next".

Don't waste time regretting what has been nor dreading what will be.

LIVE RIGHT NOW, EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE. Find the joy here. Trust God has your tomorrow.

 

Do the Hard

I struggled with stamina a bit on my morning run today. Running is like that, some days I feel strong and can endure the miles, and some days I have to time myself for frequent one minute walk "breaks" in order to make it the full distance. I started looking ahead and picking out landmarks to reach before
I would allow a walk break. And I began a mental dialogue....

"Come on, Lori! Do the hard. Don't quit."

Traveling uphill to my landmark and determined to maintain my c...urrent pace, I told myself,

"Do the hard until the hard gets easier."

And a smile broke out across my face.

Because this is true in life too, isn't it? Some days we feel strong and can endure with ease. And some days our struggle is real.

On those types of days where our feet feel heavy, our lungs can't find a good rhythm, and we want to quit...we dig deep and do the hard work to accomplish our goals, one step at a time. One landmark at a time. So let's keep looking to God for our next small goal and moving in the right direction to accomplish it.

Because each step adds up. Each decision in life can either be propelling us towards our goal or taking us further away from it. We have the power of choice!

"He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much;" ~Luke 16:10

Accepting No

Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty,

for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. 

Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as the head above all. 

1 Chronicles 29:11 (ESV)

May I share a secret with you?

Sometimes I get tired of hearing the “feel good” narratives…even from the Christian community.

So often the stories told are ones of victory.  Stories where people prayed for years and God granted them their request.  I have those in my own life too; years of prayer where God eventually said, “Yes”.  Our children are a result of such prayers through years of failed adoptions and infertility.  I am grateful.  But guess what?

I also have stories of years of prayer where God said, “No”.  
Why don’t we hear more of those? 
Why are those stories not shared as beautiful tapestries of immense faith as well?

I’d love for someone to share how their life fell apart and they fought to still keep their eyes on Jesus, right in the midst of the chaos and yuck. How they don’t know the “why” and they don’t see the reason for their loss or pain.  That it doesn’t feel at all like God “chose” this outcome for the good of anyone, yet they still trust He will make good from it for eternal purposes.

I want to raise my hand and shake my head in affirmative solidarity that THIS STINKS and know that it is okay to hate the situation yet still adore God. That it is normal to have to work hard at finding the joy in all circumstances we are commanded to have; a discipline of joy rather than a natural response.

I guess I selfishly want to know someone else thinks they got totally cheated, that this isn’t fair. I want to not be handed a blanket of “it’s for the best” when I have two children in this home being raised without their daddy who was madly in love with them.

I guess my whole point to this thought pattern is…it is okay. We don’t have to have it all figured out in our accepting no from God.

Life doesn’t have to tie up in a pretty bow for it to have meaning and depth.

Our faith isn’t less than someone's who received an answer of “yes”.  As a matter of fact, having lived through both “yes’s” and “no’s”, I’d have to say in my personal case, my faith is stronger from the “no” journey than it was from the “yes”.

I recently heard a question on the radio.

“Do you believe God is in control?”

I repeated it aloud to myself. Really stopping to question, do I believe God is in control of ALL when Tim still died a horrendous death from cancer?  A death that God could have prevented, but chose not to; a death that ripped the hearts of many people (but especially the three of us) to shreds in grief…do I believe God is in control of THAT?

I turned off the radio and drove in silence.

Yes.

Yes, I do believe God is in control. I believe He has the power to do anything He desires.  He is in control but He is not a controlling God.  There is a difference.  His eye is on eternity.  He is faithful.  On this earth we are guaranteed struggles and pain.  One of their purposes is to draw us closer to Him and to direct our focus to eternity.

So here I stand, sharing my “No” story and still raising my hands in honor to the God who is in control; the Faithful One who doesn’t equate my faith with an earthly happy ending, but instead equates it with the blessing of knowing Him better.

Father God, it is extremely possible that I will never understand the "No" answers this side of heaven, but I still call upon Your name as Faithful.  Thank You that You are less concerned with my desire to have all the answers and are more concerned with my eternal relationship with You.  I trust You even when I don't like the answers.  My story is no less relevant than stories with "yes's". Amen.