Yesterday, I cried for at least a solid one third of my day.
{I think that’s the
real reason I don’t cry very often…I’ll leak a tear here or there, I’ll choke
up and have to take a moment to regain my composure, but rarely do I ever just
allow myself to bawl it out; because once I allow the floodgates to open…I can’t
rein it back in. There is definitely a
point of no return. And yesterday
morning, I hit that point.}
Our kids are growing up.
I think that is what triggered this cry-fest. All the years of us praying for the blessing
of parenthood, followed by the years of praying daily over their lives and who they
will become, praying fervently for God to mold them into independent,
kind, leaders with a closeness to Him and good friendships…only to see it come
to fruition.
And now, we are embarking on an adventure that Tim and I
dreamed together, yet I am left here alone to oversee; this launching of them
into adulthood. Their senior years of
high school, the college visits and decisions, the family vacations, the navigation
of first relationships; it’s a lot for a two parent home to guide. And here I am. Solo.
Quite frankly, I’m just winging it most days, trusting God to fill in
the gaps of my parenting failures, and begging Him to help me pause to enjoy
the blessing that these two are in each moment.
Answered prayer is what they are. My hearts cry was for the gift of
motherhood. God heard the petitions of
my heart and granted me this blessing. And
with the blessing of being their mother, comes the experiencing of all their
milestone life events. Each one marvelously
beautiful and joy filled! Nothing can
take away from that truth. But likewise,
each now has a tinge of sorrow and missing.
I refuse to give it permission to overpower the moments of happiness,
but that heart-sting is still there.
You see, once your spouse (or parent if you are a child) is gone,
nothing is ever the same. No joy
experienced is without the shadow of missing. There is always a longing for the lost one to
be experiencing it beside you. It never really
goes away; this yearning for their presence.
This is the place where joy and sorrow co-mingle.
WE are the place where happiness and grief collide.
And it is okay.
The tears are okay.
The joy and laughter are okay. It
is ALL a swirl of our reality.
Every little thing…he is missing from. It simply is what it is.
So if you see me gazing off into the distance, eyes brimming
with tears, breath ragged; know that I am just fine.
I am grateful for the blessings in my life. I am trying my best to navigate witnessing the
fulfillment of so very many shared dreams alone, and trying to soak it all in
for the both of us. Sometimes I get a little lost in the moment, but love always wins and gratitude is always present.
