Just Like That

Just like that…they are leaving my nest again and returning to their college campuses. 

I sit here crying.

Some sad tears, because I will miss their lively banter and laughter filling this home. I will miss the deep discussions about the book he has just read as he enlightens me on authors and their history. I will miss him taking over my office desk to work on his newest graphic design creation. I will miss the giggles and watching Netflix shows with her while she sporadically shares about her new friends and her plans for her future. Shockingly, I’ll even miss making three meals a day and the endless cycles of laundry and dishes.

Some happy tears because I am just so stinking proud of who they are at their core and how they are navigating their lives into adulthood.

Some grief tears, because I want their dad here to witness it all and cheer them on in person. Although without his loss, they would be entirely different individuals. We all would. It is a grief that is so intimately woven within us; a loss that shattered us so devastatingly completely that there was no choice but to rebuild the pieces in a new way. So yes, I am sad for all that was lost and yet simultaneously happy for how we have chosen to survive and move forward.

We are approaching the eight year anniversary of their daddy’s relocation to heaven and I’d love to say the pain and missing have lessened; but that would be an untruth.  In some ways, the missing is heightened for them as they launch into societies where their father was never known. The ache never goes away. The grief lives inside each of us. We don’t need a date on a calendar to realize who is gone or how long they have been away; it exists within us every moment of every day. And yet eight years out, I personally still experience physical effects of the grief around special dates.

Gone too soon. By my standards. But my standards are not God’s. God is sovereign and Tim lived out every one of the days appointed to him on this earth. I want to scream, “this isn’t how their lives should be!” and yet, this is exactly how their lives were meant to play out according to the plan of their heavenly Father.  His sovereignty is a tough thing to grasp. He knows all. He works all things together for good and for His glory for those who love Him. He didn’t create cancer; He is the author of life. He didn’t design for broken families, but He is with us in our brokenness. My mind swirls with the struggles to understand it all.

That is where faith fills the gaps within all the cracks of my life. Faith tells me that no matter what lies ahead, God is already there. He has already prepared a path for me. He knew my entire life story before my creation. He knew theirs as well. He is at work within them, healing, and guiding. I rest in that truth. I leave these precious children at the foot of the cross where Jesus paid it all. Surrendering to His plans for each of us. Loving the gift of this front row seat in the lives of our children.

Go do good things, kiddos. Share yourselves and kindness with the world. You are loved beyond your wildest imagination and prayed over both on earth and in the heavens above.

 

This man...

 This man...

I love being in love. 

Throughout my life, during decades of marriage as well as years of singleness; I’ve always been a huge fan of love stories.

I’ve been blessed far beyond what I deserve by being loved well. Loved perfectly and unconditionally by my gracious Heavenly Father. Loved securely by a devoted husband. Loved through my failures and successes by two incredible children. Loved intensely by supportive parents and siblings. Loved and truly known in deep friendship. 

And now, being loved by this man...I tear up at the privilege. 

He has opened parts of my heart that were long ago abandoned; unlocked new joys within me. He encourages me to be the best and kindest version of myself. He brings all good things into my life. Our life together is filled with laughter (usually at my expense which is refreshing and needed 🤣). He makes me want to tuck tighter under the wing of my Savior so I can pour deeper love into him and our combined five children. 

When God started opening my heart to the possibility of dating again, I was incredibly reluctant and hesitant. I didn’t want to settle and I was scared of being vulnerable. I remember telling God (and close friends) that what I really wanted was the comfort of a decades-long love affair without having to invest twenty years to get there again. 

And we laughed. 

Life doesn’t work that way. Or it isn’t supposed to. 

But God.

What He has given me with this man blows my mind, humbles me, and fulfills dreams I didn’t even know to dream!

I am most relaxed when in his presence. Stress flees with one long hug from his strong arms. A bad attitude vanishes with one smirk from his dimpled smile. A single glance from his blue eyes captivates me and pastes a cheesy smile across my face. His heart is warm. His mind is brilliant. He challenges and supports me. He makes me feel safe. And mercy, with that first kiss I was completely undone. 

This love did not complete me. It did not heal me. God did the tedious work of binding up the tattered edges of my heart in the years before I met this man. My Lord was tirelessly and patiently preparing me for this time and this marriage. With this man. 

What this love has done is magnify my happiness. It has enhanced my already wonderful life. It has revealed new facets of my heart.

This love with this man; it has transformed me for the better.

I’m not sure why I’m the least bit surprised this love has the comfort of a life long relationship, without having put in the decades to get here. 

You’d think by the age of forty nine I’d know my Redeemer’s generosity and expect His attention to the details of my heart’s desire.

Yet He continually amazes me.

God is such a loving Father and I am one overwhelmingly grateful child.

God is Good

 

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

  Romans 8:28

Trusting in God's goodness, it's what I always seem to come back to when everything flips topsy-turvy and I find myself disoriented and unsure of things in this life.

Sometimes it is hard to see goodness around me in the midst of tragedy.

 

It is then that I must trust in the unchanging character of our God. 

He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-sufficient.  He is always good, even when all around me seems bad.

Even in death.

That’s not an easy thing to process when the life of a loved one ends, when pleas for healing seem to go unanswered.  But He is always good.  And you know what else?  He always heals His children.  ALWAYS!  The healing may not come on this earth, but our loved ones are healed in the presence of their Savior.  The trumpet will sound. The dead in Christ will rise. Every ailment will be no more. Every disease will be vanquished. And that my sisters, is a healing that can never be erased or marred by death again.

“The last enemy to be destroyed is death.”

1 Corinthians 15:26

God doesn't need my life to go smoothly for His goodness to be true.  He is the very essence of good.  I can lean hard into Him during tragedy because He is faithful.  His goodness isn't defined by our standards and it isn't confined to this world.  Often, His goodness isn't even realized here.  We can't see the full extent of what He has planned for us.  Suffering and sorrow are part of life's journey.  They were unavoidable, even for Christ as he walked this earth.  God's plans are for eternity.  The fullness of His goodness will be revealed there.

God restores and He redeems.  He is in the work of making good from bad.

 

"The Lord is good to all and His tender mercies are over all His work."

Psalm 145:9 KJV

His focus is on the eternal.  Cling to His goodness.  When all in this life is ripped out from underneath you and you are free falling into a dark abyss, know that He is with you.  He never leaves us, He never forsakes us.  No matter how dismal this life gets…we win in the end.  Because, God is good!

~Lori

The End of the First's?

New Year’s Eve of 2015... 

How is this even possible?  It is our final “first” holiday without Tim by our side. 

In many ways I just want the clock to strike 12:01 so I can declare we “survived” the first year of firsts.  But then I realize, in several days we will have to cross that one year anniversary of his passing.  And then in a few weeks, we still have to return to our favorite family vacation spot and hit the slopes for the first time without him.  I think maybe that will be the official threshold of our survival of the “firsts”. 

Our family of three has so many things to be thankful for from 2014.  We have so much gratitude in our hearts for the men and women who have stepped into our lives and stood in the gap for us.  It is completely humbling and overwhelming to sit and recall this past year.  I cannot even list all the ways we have been blessed by friends and family; I know I would inadvertently miss someone or something.  What a great problem to have, huh?

From the two men who came and oversaw the removing of Tim’s body from our home because I was too fearful to have that vision permanently ingrained in my or the kid’s minds; to the help around our home with lawn care or projector light bulb changing; youth who showed up for furniture moving during floor repairs and anonymous gift cards arriving in the mailbox...we have been cared for.  The precious friend whose final text to Tim was that she would keep me supplied with Dr. Pepper (a text he never was able to read) who has faithfully showed up randomly throughout the year with my sweet addiction treat.  I mean, it is insane how the body of Christ has intimately and intentionally loved on us. 

I really am not going to continue listing, but this tiny glimpse into a few of our blessings gives you the picture of what an amazing group of family and friends we have. 

These are the things that flood my mind as I remember 2014, the blessings.  My heart is filled with gratitude to our amazing God for His great love.  He is where our strength lies. 

Was this year hard?  It has been absolutely gut-wrenching.  I would never want to paint a false picture of the depths of grief and the horror of the deepest sorrows.  Everywhere we turn; it is obvious who is missing from our daily life.  But please hear me, WITH CHRIST, joy and sorrow can co-mingle.  In His great love, we find peace and we find comfort.  Even in the saddest times. 

We are grateful and we are thankful.  Tim is exactly where he is supposed to be.  In God’s great sovereignty that I cannot always understand, He is orchestrating beauty in our lives.  Tim is already experiencing the unfiltered beauty of his Savior.  We will one day join him for eternity.

Until then, we choose joy. 

We choose gratitude. 

And we choose to live lives that honor God and honor our husband/daddy’s memory.

          

The Planner in Me Meets Full Surrender

I am a planner. 

I like lists and processes and am very keen on organization.

I think through things from many different angles, playing devil’s advocate with my own thoughts to determine their solidity.

Some view this as a weakness in me.  Some view it as strength.  I can drive people crazy with my lack of care-free-ness while at the same time comforting others with my preparedness.  It just depends on who I am dealing with at the time.  

My craving for a controlled environment can be my largest attribute and my biggest stumbling block.  It depends how I use it.

God is a planner.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 “He has planted eternity in the human heart” {NLT}

Ephesians 2:10 “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” {ESV}

Psalm 138:8 “The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.  Do not forsake the work of your hands.” {ESV}

Ephesians 1:11-12 “even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him.  In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will,” {ESV}

It warms this planner girl’s heart to know that her Creator is the greatest Planner of all! 

But if I am completely honest, the reality is that it also frustrates this planner girl’s heart when my plans and His plans don’t line up together.

And that, my friends, is where my mind has settled this morning.

I think the holidays have brought these thoughts to the forefront of my mind.  Tim and I had many plans for our lives; many plans.  One of our biggest dreams for our family was BIG holiday celebrations with our kids, their spouses and their children.  We knew how we wanted holidays to be.

My Thanksgiving tree as our dinner centerpiece, with blessing tags for each family member to fill out and then us reading those blessings off one by one after our feast.  Then Christmas Eve candlelight church service as we filled an entire row with just our loved ones.  Back home in our pajamas, Tim reading the Christmas story from the Bible as we gathered by the fire.  It would be our turn, as the jovial grandparents, to spoil each family member rotten with the Reynolds’ family tradition of Christmas Bingo.  The games, the gingerbread house decorating contests, the music and the gifts; joy would radiate from every corner of our home.

When Tim died this past January, he was only 45 years young.  He left me with a 13 year old daughter and a 14 year old son.  I was 42.  I have cried out many times over these past ten months… “but what about OUR plans???”

With tear stained cheeks and body-shuddering sobs I have told God that I don’t understand.

I have expressed my discontent with where life has come and frustration with how I can’t see where it is going.

I have wrestled with the reality that life isn't fair.

And I have slowly surrendered my plans.

It hasn't been easy.  In fact, this surrender has been one of the most painful processes of my life.  It snuggles up in line behind the loss of Tim and the loss of our baby through miscarriage years ago.  Painful isn't even a strong enough word to describe it.  Remember, I like order and I like plans.  

When Tim died, I felt stripped bare, as though he took all of our plans with him.

Proverbs 16:9 “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” {NIV}  

Proverbs 19:21 “Many are the plans in the mind of man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” {ESV}

I have truly found contentment in where God has me.  

This contentment doesn't eliminate my selfish wish for Tim to still be by my side, living out our plans and dreams together.  What I have found though, is that if given the power to bring Tim back…I surprisingly wouldn't.  My love for him is too great to desire ripping him away from the perfection of love and true life he is experiencing with our Savior.  My heart soars with happiness for Tim.  His total healing brings me peace.

I just miss him.

I miss our dreams and plan-making.

I feel a bit lost trying to sort out “our” dreams for the future of our family.  In the process, I find that while things will be altered from our original plans, as long as I remain focused on God as the head of this family, we can find joy in our present and in our future.

We can still have a beautiful life.

God willing, we can still have an altered version of the BIG holidays in our future.

We will be acutely aware of who is missing, but we will also be acutely aware of Who is present.

God has a plan.  His ways are better. 

Psalm 18:30 “As for God, his way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is flawless.  He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." {NIV}

Isaiah 55:9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” {NIV}

I trust Him.  

He is the Great Plan Maker and (shockingly) He doesn't need my help.

Her Daddy is in Heaven and Her God is Still Sovereign

Thirty one months ago, I penned these words in my personal journal.

They are words that poured out directly from my heart and emerged straight from the deepest portion of my soul.

They are words reflecting real and raw emotions that were swirling within our family.

We could have never imagined the full length of the road we were just beginning to travel.  The sharp curves we would skid through tilted on two wheels and the steep cliffs we would plummet from.  If I could turn back in time and have this conversation over again with our daughter, I wouldn't change a word.  God used His Holy Spirit to speak through me.  These were His words, not my own.

Even in the pain, God is Sovereign.  When we choose to focus on the “Why’s” of this life’s unfairness, we are missing the big picture.

Thirty one months later.  Her eyes have witnessed medical horrors that no child should have to see.  Her heart has been shattered by a loss that no child should ever have to experience.

Her Daddy is with Jesus…and her God is still sovereign!

{an entry from Lori’s journal dated February 28, 2012}

“I have looked into the tear-filled, greenish/brown eyes of a little girl as she asks me “WHY?”. 

Why does her Daddy have to have cancer? 

Why does God allow horrible diseases to attack good people, people like her Daddy who loves the Lord?

I felt inadequate to answer all the questions, but muttering a quick “Lord, give me wisdom”, I took her hand and began to share with this little girl I love so much...

“God is a big God and He can handle our questions and frustrations.  Maybe we should reconsider the question of “why”; after all, why not us and why not daddy?  What makes us so wonderful and entitled to be exempt from illness or struggles on this earth?  Remember, this earth is not our permanent home!  

(2 Corinthians 5:1; Hebrews 13:14; John 18:36) 

So if we have to ask “why?”, maybe it should be in relation to 

“WHY US, LORD?”...

Why would You choose us to love so extravagantly that You would send Your only Son as atonement for our sins? 

“WHY US, LORD?”...

Why would You choose to lavish upon us Your mercies anew with each morning?

“WHY US, LORD?”...

Why would You choose us to pour out Your many blessings on, blessing too numerous to count? 

We are not worthy; plain and simple.  Yet through His grace, He gives the free gift of salvation by faith.  His blood has covered our sin and all we have to do is repent and accept.

Accept His salvation.

Accept His love.

Accept His grace.

Accept His mercy.

Accept that He is in control in ways our minds cannot fathom.

Accept that He loves Daddy more than we are capable of.

Accept that we serve a perfect God while we live in an imperfect world.

These were tough words of truth and I pray they penetrate her little 11 year old heart.

Thank You Father God, for giving me words when I cannot formulate them on my own, and for teaching me through the very words You give me to use as I teach my children.  You are so good to us.  Amen.”

People have asked how we have remained faithful to God throughout such tragedy.  The struggles we have faced in this life and the heartache we continue to experience in the aftermath of losing my husband; they are very real.  We continue moving forward with our eyes focused on God.  Our faith is not shaken.  (You can read more about our faith here.)  

Our God is Sovereign and His ways are true.  (Deuteronomy 32:4; Psalm 18:30; Psalm 145:17)

We trust Him!