This man...

 This man...

I love being in love. 

Throughout my life, during decades of marriage as well as years of singleness; I’ve always been a huge fan of love stories.

I’ve been blessed far beyond what I deserve by being loved well. Loved perfectly and unconditionally by my gracious Heavenly Father. Loved securely by a devoted husband. Loved through my failures and successes by two incredible children. Loved intensely by supportive parents and siblings. Loved and truly known in deep friendship. 

And now, being loved by this man...I tear up at the privilege. 

He has opened parts of my heart that were long ago abandoned; unlocked new joys within me. He encourages me to be the best and kindest version of myself. He brings all good things into my life. Our life together is filled with laughter (usually at my expense which is refreshing and needed 🤣). He makes me want to tuck tighter under the wing of my Savior so I can pour deeper love into him and our combined five children. 

When God started opening my heart to the possibility of dating again, I was incredibly reluctant and hesitant. I didn’t want to settle and I was scared of being vulnerable. I remember telling God (and close friends) that what I really wanted was the comfort of a decades-long love affair without having to invest twenty years to get there again. 

And we laughed. 

Life doesn’t work that way. Or it isn’t supposed to. 

But God.

What He has given me with this man blows my mind, humbles me, and fulfills dreams I didn’t even know to dream!

I am most relaxed when in his presence. Stress flees with one long hug from his strong arms. A bad attitude vanishes with one smirk from his dimpled smile. A single glance from his blue eyes captivates me and pastes a cheesy smile across my face. His heart is warm. His mind is brilliant. He challenges and supports me. He makes me feel safe. And mercy, with that first kiss I was completely undone. 

This love did not complete me. It did not heal me. God did the tedious work of binding up the tattered edges of my heart in the years before I met this man. My Lord was tirelessly and patiently preparing me for this time and this marriage. With this man. 

What this love has done is magnify my happiness. It has enhanced my already wonderful life. It has revealed new facets of my heart.

This love with this man; it has transformed me for the better.

I’m not sure why I’m the least bit surprised this love has the comfort of a life long relationship, without having put in the decades to get here. 

You’d think by the age of forty nine I’d know my Redeemer’s generosity and expect His attention to the details of my heart’s desire.

Yet He continually amazes me.

God is such a loving Father and I am one overwhelmingly grateful child.

Love Has Found Me

The other half of my forever. 

It has come quickly and fiercely, yet looking back, I see God’s gentle prodding and preparing of my heart for this timing.

Five months ago I sat across from a widower in a local restaurant on our first face-to-face meeting. We instantly connected on several levels. When he spoke of his late wife, his eyes and voice changed ever so slightly. Maybe it wouldn’t have been noticeable to many; but to someone who also had a beautiful marriage...it was obvious...this was a man who loved well and was loved well.

What a gift!

If I could visit the afterlife and have a few minutes with his late wife, I would hug her tightly and say...

Thank you, Julie.
Thank you for loving him well. Thank you for raising such sweet and respectful children with him.  Thank you for the beautiful relationship you had with both extended families.

Words actually fail me when I try to describe the gift he is to me, and I fully acknowledge that YOU were instrumental in molding him into the man who stands before me. I appreciate your love affair and your forever place in his heart. I am humbled to be stepping into the lives of your children and family. You will always be honored by me. Your family will always be respected by me.

Mark and I never could have imagined that you and my late husband would only be half of our forever's; but here we are.

We know we are fortunate to have found each other; to be experiencing two "love of our life's" in a single lifetime.  I am head over heels in love with him.

I promise to love him completely. I vow to love and treat your children as though they are my own.

I prayed, oh friends how I prayed!

I was content to remain single. We were a happy family of three. I had no desire to ever date again.

I prayed daily for an entire year that if God had someone special for me in my future, he would change the desire of my heart.

He did.

It scared me.

So I prayed.

I prayed daily for an entire year for God to prepare me for my future mate and to prepare him for me.

It was another year and a half before I met him.

A man who was loved well and loves me well. A man who knows the plight of solo parenting through grief and has excelled at it.  A man who is respected in his profession and adored by his family and friends.

I admire him. I cherish him. I enjoy being his. He is the answer to three and a half years of constant prayer.

So now, I pray.

I pray God blesses and protects our relationship.

I pray God continues to mold me into the woman this man needs as his encourager and partner.

I pray I can be a safe haven for him and his children in the years to come and that he can be a positive, loving mentor in the lives of my children.

This life is full of twists and turns; crushing turmoil and unexpected blessings. We cannot escape pain and loss; but we can embrace love. God is so faithful to expand our hearts to include new love without it standing in competition or comparison with the past. I marvel at how the great loves of my life can so peacefully co-exist independently within me.

Beauty from ashes...God is good.

His Birthday

Tomorrow would be his 48th brithday.

It's the third time we have faced this day without him by our side.

The weirdest thing is that the sun rises and falls each day just the same as always.  At first, I was baffled the entire earth didn't abruptly halt its rotation when he breathed his last breath.  OUR world froze in place, but life around us continued.  Calendars flip months, and years progress.

Our every reality was so altered by the loss of Tim, that we have spent the past few years fighting through slow motion for each opportunity to feel the sunshine on our faces.  Some months all we could feel were rain drops and hail stones when we mustered the courage to lift our faces upward.  Other days, we were incapable of even lifting our heads to check for any rays the sun might be spilling our way.  There have also been moments of fresh air breathed in deeply and precious hope.  Those are the moments that have carried us through the monotony of this life. 

I never could have dreamed how difficult this journey would be for our children and me.  The emotions are not containable at times.  They simply are not.  Tears flow.  Anger rages.  Misery settles.  But I do a disservice to God if I don't also admit that there are positive emotions present too. 

Joy dances.  Peace swirls.  Love settles.  Strength embodies.

We crave more than to just live.  We desire to do more than simply exist "trying not to die", we long to be more than survivors.  We want to shatter expectations and stereotypes of young widows and fatherless children.

We are more intently looking for the sun to wash us with its warmth. 

We are looking for the Son to wash us in His warmth.

I wonder.  Do the saints celebrate the day of their earthly birth?  Probably not, but we will always remember April 3rd as his day. 

Happy Birthday, Babe!  You are loved.  You are remembered.  You are appreciated.  Your life mattered and your legacy lives on.  We are accepting the new mercies of God with each sunrise.  We are thinking of and missing you with each sunset.  We are digging deep to follow your example of taking the next right step, making the next right decision, choosing the next right thing.  I would be lying if I said we are not eager to be with you again.  The missing is so deep, the loss felt in every fiber.  But we are deliberately choosing to live this life to the fullest in honor of your memory and to bring glory to God.  Our God has been ever faithful.  Our God has never once left our side in the darkness of this battle.  Our God is our strength, He is our stability.  He alone causes the sun to rise each morning and we are grateful to Him for your life and the time we were blessed to have you; we are grateful for each day He gives us.  We will view them as the gift that they are and be intentional in our living. 

Year Two in Review and Year Three Ahead

Photo Courtesy of Trish Scott
Sweetberry Photography

 

Most days I step boldly forward in this life and find secure footing as the kids and I navigate our way into a new kind of beautiful life.

Most days.

But some days…

Some days, I take that step and find nothing but air beneath my feet.  I free fall.  Spinning wildly, gasping for air, and wondering what will break my fall.

While the bad days are farther apart now, they still arrive ferociously and unexpectedly, leaving me faced flat on the ground, a bit dazed, and quietly whimpering the name “Jesus”.

Medical memories flood me, nestling in the forefront as if set to constant replay on the big screen of my mind. 

His battle.

The days away from our children turning too quickly into weeks and then months; we blink and it has been two years consumed with medical treatments.  The IV’s, tests, scans, exams that violate, radiation masks, chemotherapy ports, too many surgeries to count; they are horrors that can never be erased from my existence. 

His constant suffering plagues my thoughts.

My continual juggling of roles.  I remember with pride the honor of fulfilling my wedding vows to this man, “to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health”.  The privilege of being a mother to his children.  The two separate responsibilities are so tightly interwoven, existing out of the deepest love for my family.

It’s all there.  The guilt over being away from my children coupled with the joy of serving my husband by rarely leaving his side in the battle.  The traumatic memories of medical horrors I can find no words to describe and the comfort of the love we shared that somehow only deepened through the journey.

I remember someone telling me that missing him would be harder than walking beside him as he awaited death.  I thought they were crazy.  I needed them to be crazy.  The pain of anticipating his death was excruciating.  Having to ensure I was the first one in the door from school carpool so I could protect a child from being the one to find their Daddy’s unresponsive body somewhere in our home was exhausting.  Holding my own breath to listen for his staggered breathing throughout each night would cause heart palpitations.  I am experiencing them even as I type this.

Then, he died.

And someone dared tell me year one would be hard but year two would be hell on earth.  I needed them to be a liar.  I couldn’t fathom pain more intense than each “first” ticking off the calendar.  I thought “well, maybe for them, but we have been living with the stress of death for a few years, so we are probably further along in our grief journey than most.”

I’m not here to say that losing a loved one to a terminal illness is harder than receiving a state trooper knock on the door with notification they have passed away.  This isn’t a competition!  It is all hard.  It is all painful.  It all downright stinks.  All I know is what I have experienced.  And yes, while we were able to say goodbye, I also witnessed suffering that I wish I could somehow un-see.  I simply thought we were “more advanced grievers” in our home.

I was wrong.

Year two was H A R D.  It was MESSY and painful.  It compounded grief in ways that I could never have foreseen.  There was anger.  There were hurt feelings between friends.  Abandonment, betrayal, loss of self-all tumbled upon us triggering new levels of grief in each of us.  His loss was the undercurrent of every encounter we had; whether the other person realized it or not.

We have emerged into the beginning of year three without him; having passed the two year anniversary of his passing one month ago today.  It is still hard, but we have found new footing and it seems to be solidly holding us. 

Here is hoping that the healing is sinking deeper within each of us with the dawn of each new day. 

They say “this year will be a turning point for us”.  The missing never ceases, but the coping with loss becomes more stable.  I pray they are correct.  I need stability.  Our children need to string good days together in a consistent pattern of success.  I believe Tim is praying on our behalf at the very throne of God; praying for Him to use all of this, our good days and our bad, for His glory. 

Lord, thank You for never once leaving our side.  YOU ARE GOOD.  Remind us to remain focused on your goodness and rain down your healing into every crevice of our  brokeness.  Amen.

My Personal Testimony Video

This blog and my writing were born out of deep suffering and great loss.

In this short video, I share my testimony for aNew Season Ministries and A Widow's Might.

Special thanks to Trish Scott with Sweetberry Photography, Allie Raney with Allison Taylor Photography for the professional family photos in Tim's final 
years.

Additional gratitude for Carmen with Seemallard Media, who so patiently guided me through my seemingly endless tears to capture this testimony.

Birthday Joy?

Yesterday I turned 43.  

I was semi-dreading the day.  It was my first birthday without the love of my life by my side in over two decades.  

Firsts are hard stuff.  

I have days where I feel the brokenness inside of me healing; I can look with hope towards our future.  

Other days, it takes all of my energy and strength to keep my head faced forward.  

The missing of what we had, maybe that’s what hurts the most.  Life really was truly such a wonderful thing.  Tim made tough times bearable and good times amazing.  My man was hilarious in a dry, sarcastic sort of way.  We were quite the pair and this home was filled to the rafters with laughter every day.  We laughed through our tears and clung to our God and each other in the difficulties of life.  

So, you can imagine my trepidation of facing yesterday without my best friend.

I woke up yesterday filled with…peace and joy;

the kind of deep down in my soul joy that bubbles up from within.  

Peace that I knew we were going to make it.  The kids and I are building a new kind of fabulous life together.  I had a happiness that is indescribable.  

I didn't expect it.  

All day, I had this “keep looking forward” attitude that I woke up with.  

I can’t explain it with any other word than JESUS.  I could literally feel Tim’s prayers over me.  Did my joy get intermingled easily with tears?  Absolutely, but they were the sweet tears.  As memories of both good and bad times fluttered through my mind, my heart remained happy. 

I smiled at my “happy” in the simplicity and "normalness" of a day. 

Then it hit me…we have found our new normal. 

I make mistakes daily in this single parenting gig, but I am trying hard; constantly evaluating my attitude and trying to connect with our children in a way that nurtures both the “mothering” and the “fathering” that they need and deserve.  And I am leaning hard into God for guidance.  

I think Tim would be proud…and that makes my heart soar.  

I want to honor God and I want to honor this man who walked beside me in this life as my biggest fan, best supporter, lover, and friend.  The longer I walk, with each minute of every day without him, the more incredible I realize he was.  Don’t get me wrong, I KNEW I had a keeper!  It’s just that hindsight can show me even more things to appreciate about his character and his love.

So at 43, I don’t find myself without my husband as much as I find myself with

the love he left behind,

the wisdom he guided this family in,

the optimism that permeated his life,

and the laughter he echoed in our home, our hearts and our souls.

I am grateful.  I rejoice in God's love.

Don’t you worry, Tim…I've got this!  I've got it with a confidence because it isn't me at the helm, it is God and He never disappoints.  

Just like you proclaimed until your final breath, God is God, God is good, forever Faithful One.

Even If…

    

I Choose Gratitude

There are plenty of emotions I can choose to focus on each day while navigating this life as a solo parent.  I could be angry at God for not healing Tim on this earth.  I could be bitter, frustrated and flustered by the inconvenience of doing this life we had planned out together by myself now.  The world would certainly understand and might even encourage these attitudes; but as Christians, God calls us to something greater.

He calls us to be greater in our weaknesses by surrendering to His power.

Finally, be strong in the Lord 

and in the strength of his might.  Ephesians 6:10

Because the One who is in you 

is greater than the one who is in the world.  1 John 4:4

He calls us to experience greater things through new life in Him.

Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me 

will do the works I have been doing, 

and they will do even greater things than these, 

because I am going to the Father.  John 14:12

He calls us into the greatest love relationship; a personal bond with Him that can never be broken.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  

Romans 8:37-39

When we are focused on surrendering to His power, experiencing life with His eternal perspective and being overwhelmed by His great love…there isn't much room left in us to be angry.  

Instead, what begins to bubble up 

from deep within our souls is gratitude!

I am not implying gratitude comes naturally during tragic times; but I am absolutely saying that when we place our priorities where they should be…gratitude happens.  No matter what situation we find ourselves in.  We can’t control all of the devastating things that bombard us in this life; but we can choose how we respond.

If this is hard for you to wrap your brain around at first, start by reviewing these steps.

Surrender yourself and your situation to Jesus.

Make a conscience decision to do something that honors God.

Spend time in prayer, meditating on His great love for you.

Next, choose something to be grateful for.

(Hint: An obvious start is being grateful 

that nothing can separate us from the love of God.)

I know first-hand; God will fulfill His promise to bring peace into your soul and joy into your heart when you choose gratitude!

A cheerful heart is good medicine.  Proverbs 17:22

A happy heart makes a face cheerful.  Proverbs 15:13

The Overlooked Role of Caregiver (part one): How God was Enough

I've learned that most people don’t really comprehend the stress associated with balancing life between the living and the dying.  It’s kind of this overlooked or ignored portion of the primary caregiver’s process. 

Only by the grace of God, did I stay afloat during those 17 months.  

only.  by.  HIS.  grace.

It’s not natural. 

It’s not feasible to exist in this wait pattern; having young, energetic, lively children who need to live and participate in life and not sit in a house or hospital room waiting on death to occur.  Loving them; leading them; helping them to develop into who God has designed them to be.  Allowing them to fully experience their childhood and mature through it into healthy teenagers.  All the while knowing their childhood will never again be as carefree as the majority of their peers.

Yet at the same time….

Caring for their father who is the ultimate, brave, fighter; who wants to be a part of every little thing they are doing.  Not desiring to miss a second of their childhood; yet trapped inside a body that won’t allow it.  This strong and yet even stronger-willed man who wouldn't accept his own physical limits and often refused to use his walker, only to become too weak part-way to his destination and pass out cold on the floor.  I will never be able to erase the sound of his body slapping the bathroom tile, time and time again as his strength failed him.  That sound.  It rings out in the hollowness of my mind when those particular memories flood their way back.   

I existed in this crazy ocean of exhaustive waves between the love of my life and our loves, trying to protect them all.  My reality was that I couldn't always be with Tim every second of every day when we were not in the hospital.  I had carpool to run and kids to shuttle to events, and groceries to buy; all the basic necessities for living.  My other reality was that I could never allow the kids to be alone with their father.  I was unable to run for a gallon of milk without taking both kids with me, for fear of them being alone with dad when he passed away.  There were so many gruesome scenarios that could have played out for Tim’s death because of the nasty head and neck cancer that had invaded his body.  I couldn't have a child be alone with him.  I just couldn't.

For 17 months, every single time I walked into the door of our home, (if we weren't in the hospital or Tim wasn't with me), I knew there was a very real possibility that Tim would be gone.  Without saying a word, I would try to position myself as the first one in the door or be right beside a child as they entered.  I am still recovering from the mental exhaustion of constantly being in “Protect Mode”.       

Hardest of all was bouncing between the two extremes.  Giving my all to be “in the moment” and truly living with our children; then instantly transitioning into giving my all to be “in the moment” and tending to the every need of my husband who was truly dying.  The waves of both realities crashing against my mind and body at all times; crushing me under their weight was just too much. 

Too much to handle alone; I am forever grateful for my hope in God which was the anchor to my soul.

Hebrews 6:19 “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” 

Baby Steps

On the days when I don’t want to get out of bed…I do it anyway.  It is what Tim would expect from me and quite frankly, it is what I expect of myself.  It’s taking that first baby step each morning that begins my day. 

I am a widow at the age of 42.  A planner by nature; this is not how I planned my life would be.  I am only half way through my life expectancy.  God willing, that’s a lot of unplanned future staring back at me.  Just the thought of it is a little daunting.

For 19 years I was living my dream life.  All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother.  My husband was an incredible man.  He loved me and adored our children, provided for us amazingly well, and had a true servant’s heart.  I enjoyed being exactly where I was in this life.  Even throughout the horrendous caring for Tim during his illness and eventual death, I was honored to be his wife and privileged to be his caretaker.

Then it happened.  He died.  Although I will forever be "Tim's wife", I no longer have the role of wife.  

I still can’t quite figure out who I am without Tim. 

So I decided to start by listing what has not changed.

• ·        I am still a mother.  This part of my dream life is still here and I am still needed daily. 

• ·        I am still an employee.  Tim’s work ethic was beyond reproach and I can honor his memory by working hard for our family in my career.

• ·        I am still a friend.  I can invest in the lives of my girlfriends and allow them to invest in mine.

• ·        I am still a member of our church.  I can respect Tim’s servant heart by continuing to serve our church body.  First thing on this list is to step back into my VBS music co-leader role in a few weeks. 

• ·        I am still a daughter, sister, and aunt; and I am blessed with the best family ever!

• ·        I am still a child of the most High God.  He has plans and direction for my life.  This season of the “unknown Lori” is not hidden from Him. 

I have learned many things on this journey over the past few years.  One lesson is that when life seems confusing or overwhelming or uncertain….I must go back to what I know is true.

I may not have any idea of who God intends to grow me into being in my future; but I know exactly who He has made me to be right now.  I know He is good.  I know He is at work in my life. 

This is where I will stay; focusing on obedience in the ministries He has given me (mother, family member, employee, church participant, and friend).  I have a responsibility to continue choosing the next right thing and to keep placing one foot in front of the other.  When God is ready, He will reveal the next step for me; one baby step at a time. 

I have no doubt that one day I will turn around and see a beautiful path that each of these baby steps has added up to create.  You see friends, when I go back to what I know is true…I arrive at the fact that my God is faithful. 

Only Be Still

"The Lord will fight for you you need only be still."  Exodus 14:14

One of the beautiful things about walking the road of terminal illness and eventual death alongside the love of your life is the comforting promise that God never leaves us alone.  (And yes, there are beautiful things in hardships.) He goes before us, walks beside us, hems us in from behind, and even at times carries us on this journey.

I have spent two years walking this road into widowhood, and two months at the current destination.  Regardless of how each of us got here, we all have faced issues that tore at our hearts and completely overwhelmed us; and quite frankly, none of us want to be here.  Widows know that life is not fair or easy.  Life gets messy and painful.  Bad things do happen to good and godly people. 

Yet, our great God is a warrior!  He will fight for us.  These troubles we encounter in this life aren't much fun; but we have a God who promises to never leave our side (Joshua 1:9).  He doesn't promise to always make things better (this side of heaven), but He does assure us that He will fight for us. 

When we are willing to surrender our crushed hopes and dreams to our Savior, it allows us to see the amazing and active work He is doing around us and for us.

His focus is on the eternal.  We were created for His glory.  One of the many things I love about God is that He doesn't expect me to bring Him glory through my own strength.  He is constantly at work in us, giving us the strength to accomplish His work. 

“Being confident of this, 

that He who began a good work in you 

will carry it on to completion” Philippians 1:6

Becoming a widow doesn't erase the fact that God loves me or that His purpose is to use my life to bring Him glory.  My circumstances can accentuate my calling, if I will allow them to.  Let's face it, if I have to live this life (and clearly this is the life our Sovereign God has set before me), then I want to do it in a way that glorifies my Father in heaven.

You see, these past few years I should have felt all alone, isolated and terrified.  And truth be told, there are times when fear still tries to take over my thoughts.  But God is bigger and God is stronger and His Word is my shield.  My eyes are focused on Him and the promise of His faithfulness. 

We don’t always get to know where God is taking us in this life.  Our job is to trust Him and to be obedient. 

My love story with my husband didn't end the way I wanted it to.  But you know what?  God isn't done as the Author of my life.  I long to bring glory to His name; I want to live life well! 

With empty hands held high in surrender, I continue to rest in the assurance that “The Lord will fight for (me), I need only to be still”.

Father God, create Your quiet stillness within my soul.  This path is harder than I could have ever imagined, but You are still good.  You are still and always will be worthy of my praise.  I want to be able to say that I am who You created me to be.  I trust you through the pain on this journey.   Thank You for fighting for me.  Amen.   

Crazy Tulips & Transforming Growth

My friend Diane has a batch of flowers she calls her "crazy tulips".  She posted on social media, "They start out yellow and each day they bloom, they become peach, coral and finally a beautiful orange”.  As I looked at the photo, I thought.....

I AM those crazy tulips!

I have been buried under the widows’ heaviness of a bitter cold, dry, and dusty covering.

God has continued to nourish my deepest layers through the toughest of droughts.

His power has enabled me to slowly push my way through the darkness, until I peeked up into the warmth of light again.

The strength of His Spirit has caused me to burst forth; to grow and to flourish, even while the ground around me still shows signs of seasons past.

I am being transformed daily from a soft (fragile) yellow to a pale (delicate) peach.  How exciting for me to see that a lovely (strong) coral will emerge and to know I will eventually be a vibrant (flourishing) orange.  Ever so slowly, God is changing me from the inside out. He is walking with me through my stages of grief and mourning.

My Savior is renewing my mind each day.  I am shedding the anger.  I am learning to deny the feelings of frustration.  I am moving past the pity part(ies).  I am pushing through the sorrow.  He is softening the edges of my petals once more and bathing me in His light. 

The God of the universe began a work in me 28 years ago on the night I surrendered myself to Him.  He promises to see it through to completion.  

He is at work.  

He has a purpose.

He is not a quitter (possibly what I love most!).

Our God brings forth fresh growth.  He makes things new.  He creates beauty from the dust of the past.  Regardless of what our past holds…the sorrows, the mistakes, the sin…He will rescue us and create something beautiful.   He will complete His work in each of His children when we surrender ourselves to His will.   

“…He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion…”

~Philippians 1:6

Oh what a glorious blessing it is to have His Spirit at work inside of us, challenging us to grow in new ways, through difficult seasons; and causing us to burst forth in brilliant colors.

He is committed to seeing His good work through to its beautiful, vibrant completion.

Lord God, thank you that you never give up on us.  You never leave us to do this life alone.  You are our strength and our beauty.  I love how you provide both detailed complexity and artistic creativity all around us.  Thank you that you are constantly at work within us and that you have a plan.  Help me to rest in that knowledge as I navigate this grief.  I don’t want to become hardened and useless for your kingdom, Lord.  Complete your work within me.  Amen   

   

Tears Like Rain

It’s raining.

I love the sound of rain.  I enjoy the coolness of the drops as I choose to stand under them (odd, I know, but enjoyable to me).

A light rain reminds me of teardrops.  It’s like God is washing things.

Rinsing them from me.  Cleansing me from the inside out.  I like it.

Rain brings about change.  The pansies perk up to receive its nourishment; brightly contrasting the dormancy around them.

Tears bring about change too.  They can highlight the reality of grief, but they can also cleanse us from the hardship of grief’s burden and highlight the beauty still lying within.  I have mentioned before that I am not much of a crier, or at least I wasn't up until the past few years. 

The tears flow a bit more freely now (still not as often as I would have expected).  Sometimes triggered by a sweet memory, sometimes triggered by fear and frustration; they are not limited by boundaries of appropriateness.  I have surprised myself with a cry in the middle of laughter. 

It is important that the kids and I give ourselves permission to cry.  

As Tim would say, “it is what it is”. 

It is just as equally important for us to remember that it isn't necessary to stay stuck in any phase of grief.  Psalm 30:5 [MSG] “The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter.”  There is, of course a promise of our eternity in heaven when there will be no more tears; but how do we make this applicable to our earthly lives as well?

I say, we let the tears flow freely when they come.  We embrace them and experience them fully; allowing them to wash away hurts, pains and phases of grief; enabling them to bring nourishment to our heavy souls. 

This is David singing out praises to God for transforming his mourning.  I love what he says in verses 11-12. 

“You did it: You changed wild lament into whirling dance;

You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers.

I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about You God, my God,

I can’t thank you enough.”

Friends, we are going to be okay.  The kids and I; we are putting one foot in front of the other, and leaning hard into God as He directs our steps.  We aren't all decked out in our wildflowers just yet, but we are growing and evolving.  We are learning to have fresh excitement about our futures.  

We are allowing the tears, when they come, to highlight the beautiful, vibrant memories.  We can’t thank God enough for the work He is doing in our transformations.

Next week would have been Tim’s 46^th birthday.  Another “first” milestone to cross that will undoubtedly bring fresh tears.  God is already transitioning my heart into one full of joyful memories of birthdays past.  The nights of crying my eyes out are giving way to days of laughter.  It is such sweetness to me.

Tim's 35th Birthday

Tim's 40th at Great Wolf Lodge

(Please be in prayer with us for Tim’s parents next week.  I know my grief as a widow, but I will not even begin to pretend to understand a parent’s grief when their lost child’s birthday rolls around.)

Tim's 44th Surprise "Make-Up" Birthday

Tim's 45th Birthday

Until our turn comes to be in the presence of our Lord where He will wipe away every tear and demolish death once and for all, I pray He uses our tears for healing and nourishment like a soft spring rain.  May He continue creating new growth within us.  To God be the glory! 

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4 [ESV]

God Gives Power (Isaiah 40:29)

When one of these anniversaries of Tim’s passing rolls around, I want to be in the state of mind that I am celebrating the number of months he has been with Jesus more than I am grieving the number of months I've been without him.


Honestly, I'm not there yet, but I am asking God to bring me to that place; I long to be obedient to His command to be joyful.  He can and will get me there. I am looking forward to it.


My responsibility is to surrender my weaknesses to God.  I am to bring Him my brokenness.  The difficulties of continuing my life without the one I made a marriage covenant with before God are too numerous to count.  God gets that.


Thankfully, I am not living this life by my own might or power.  I am living it by the Spirit of God; and in Him, there is strength!


"'Til death do us part" really happened.  The 19 years went by too quickly; we weren't finished loving each other.  We hadn't seen our children into high school, or through first loves; we don't get to be side-by-side as they select their career choices, or marry their mates; we won't hold hands while we attend those adorable grandchildren's births.  (And trust me, they will be adorable!)


My heartache is being a widow.  Your grief might also be from the loss of a spouse, or it might be from the loss of a parent, a sibling, a close friend, or a precious child.  Broken dreams hurt.  God heals.  He loves.  Our God loves us enough to catch every tear.  He loves us enough to give us the ability to move forward.


He loves us enough to increase our strength.


Sometimes it's tempting to want to stay stuck in one phase of grief or another.  We long to wrap ourselves up warmly in the embrace of denial or depression.  Another anniversary rolls around and we don't have the strength or desire to get out of bed or to make one more decision by ourselves.  Friends, God promises to increase our strength!


If that doesn't put a smile on our faces, what will?  We have a God who cares about us and each stage of grief we endure.  He doesn't tell us to "Suck it up, Buttercup".  He doesn't expect us to find our own way to "get over it".  He understands.


He gives power!


God provides us with the power to process our grief.  His healing comes to each of us in His timing and within His individual will for each one of His children.  He is a personal God!


Whether we like it or not, in God's Word, He repeatedly commands us to be thankful and joyful.  Those commands are not circumstantial.  There are no exceptions listed.


I don't read in 1 Thessalonians 5:16 and 18 to "Be joyful always (unless you've lost someone) and to "give thanks in everything (except grief)".  In the trenches of freshly broken hearts, we are incapable of joy and thanksgiving on our own. (And I use "freshly" as a relative, non-time-sensitive term, as each journey is so unique.)


Herein lays the beauty of our marvelous God.  Let's crawl to God daily until He fills us with the strength and power to stand again.


Psalm 16:11, "You will fill me with joy in your presence".  He fills us with joy.  Praise God, He fills the emptiness with beauty when we bring it to Him.


Want to know what else we find in the presence of our Savior?  Hebrews 4:15-16 tells us we receive sympathy with our weakness, along with mercy and grace to help us in our time of need.


Thank You Lord, for not leaving us to do this alone.  Thank You that You increase our strength with Your mighty power.  We may not like our circumstances, but we love You.  Your provisions are perfect and You are always good.  Take the ragged edges of our ripped apart hearts and bind them with Your loving kindness.  Fill us with more of You.  May the joy of our Savior penetrate the darkest places and radiate from within us.  Amen.