Back to Back Seniors

It’s Senior Recognition Night for my girl and “her” football team. 

Today, I will slip my wedding ring back on as a symbol of his presence with us.

This girl of ours…she amazes me with her resilient spirit, her deep well of love for others, the wise use of her intelligence, her servant heart, and her strong work ethic.  So very many character qualities of her Daddy that I see in her make me smile.  She is witty and charming; strong beyond her years and she is one of the most giving souls I have ever known.

Watching her sacrificial serving of this team she loves over the past four years has been such an honor.  The fact that she has done it all with Tim as her audience from heaven above shatters parts of me I didn’t even know were still intact.  Senior years aren’t for weak mommas!  And doing “this” two years back to back without him by my side has been a roller coaster of epic emotions.

Tonight, Macie has asked my dad to walk with us.  We will be three generations of Reynolds strength and pride as we escort her to the 50 yard line.     

Make no mistake; her Daddy is beaming down from glory exclaiming, “That’s my girl!”  Macie, we are both so proud of the young woman you have grown into.  You serve others with a selfless grace.  You represent the Streller name and the name of our Savior with a fierce dignity.

I adore you and am honored to be your Mom. 

Fifty

I don’t know what to do with this day…your “would-be-fiftieth-birthday”.

I haven’t found anything in the Bible about birthdays and heaven.  I don’t know if you age there or not.  I can’t imagine there is any significance to your earthly birthday anymore once there…but it is still an emotional day for us here.

Gone at forty-five.

When I turned 45, I spent the year keenly aware that it was the age you were when you left us.  Surreal doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling.  Too young.  You were far too young to leave us.  Then, I turned 46 and in this year, I have felt an urgency to LIVE.  I have emotions of guilt that I have now outlived your age here…I feel heavy responsibility to live for the both of us…I have utter exhaustion in doing this life without you.  Forty-six has been tough and beautiful, deep and healing, difficult and reflective for me.

But today, today you would be 50.  And I cry at the thought.  I found myself mentally, emotionally, and physically weakened with the knowledge of this date’s approach.  Five years from our planned retirement.  This time with the kids as they battle their own grief monsters, complete high school, and launch into college is precious to me; and it comes with such a deep heaviness in my soul.  As I told you in your final weeks, 

“I know with God I CAN do this; I just don’t WANT to do this life without you.” 

It isn’t fair.  It stinks.  It is lonely and more difficult than I ever could have fathomed.  Not that there aren’t wonderful times and beauty and laughter and joy…but this is HARD.  Our constant awareness of you missing from every milestone cuts from every angle.      

We would be on a family trip somewhere exotic this week.  Celebrating YOU.  Zip lining, parasailing, sun soaking, beach volleyball-ing, carrot cake eating celebrations.  Today just leaves me physically ill without you here.

Instead, we flip through photographs, get lost in memories, and smile at the sky hoping He gives you a glance at us as God catches our every tear.

You are loved. 

Eleven Months

Today is the 11th. 

It's been eleven months since Tim went to heaven. 

In many ways, today was just another day in our new normal. I had the oldest home from school sick today for the third day this week. As he started feeling better this afternoon, we took an hour for him to practice his driving. He is doing great, but he doesn't enjoy it. I had the youngest at early basketball practice at school and then late riding lessons at the barn. And as usual, I squeezed in my work hours around the kids schedules.

While life continues moving forward, the 11th always hits me in a tender way. Tim is still constantly on our minds and daily in our conversations.

The holidays make the missing of him harder than I ever could have imagined. Memories flood my mind with every fire in the fireplace, every morning Bible Study, every walk into our home. We are leaning hard into Jesus right now. Loving each other. Extending grace. There is sadness.

But there is also laughter. There is ornery sarcasm and joking. There are references to old family jokes and new "sayings" that the kids recite and crack up over. Honestly, I don't always get their humor, but I love the laughter! It reminds me of their Daddy, his quick wit and contagious laugh.

I wonder often what he is doing, who he is visiting with, I envision him in a country setting with sun-kissed skin, an easy smile and a sparkle in those beautiful blue eyes of his. I imagine him enjoying time with the children from our family who had gone to heaven before him. I know he would enjoy long walks exploring nature and visiting with his Savior.

It's weird to be separated from the one person on earth you have loved most. The one person who knew all your secrets, and cherished you anyway. The one person who chose to stand by you, who stayed when times were difficult, who celebrated when times were magical. The person that could make you laugh the deepest belly laughs and could also hold you through the gut-wrenching tears. To not have the one you've experienced the most memories with; or the one who has seen you at your absolute ugliest and still claimed you were gorgeous...it's a bit much to process. The "missing" of such intimacy can be all-consuming and terrifying.

I am grateful for a God who promises to never leave or forsake me. I am reminded that there is One who knows me even better than Tim did and loves me even deeper. So tonight, as I lay my weary head on the pillow, I am focused on the One who loves with a perfect love, the One who chooses to stay with me in difficulty and triumph. The One who has seen my sin and forgiven it.

"The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace." -Psalm 29:11

What If We Have It All Wrong?

I stand in my kitchen, unloading and re-loading the dishwasher.  My heart is heavy.  I am distracted from my task with a million different thoughts intermingled with prayers for loved ones that are facing yuck in this life.  I mean Y-U-C-K.  Memories of a conversation between Tim and me in his final weeks dance in and out of my consciousness.  I can’t quite grasp hold of the exact wording and I want so much to chase it down and share it with you.  Instead, I will write out the ramblings that keep bubbling to the surface. 

What if we have it all wrong?

This life that we cherish and hold sacred, what if we are clinging onto the wrong thing?  With every ounce of our strength, we beg for more time HERE, in THIS life, on this EARTH.  What if we are wrong? 

What IF we have our thinking backwards?

While this life is important and sacred, what if it isn’t what we are all about?  Or at least isn’t supposed to be what we are all about?  Where does eternity play into our desire to “never leave” here or our fear of death?

One of Tim’s closest friends is a wise pastor.  He would say to Tim with each horrendous cancer surgery or life threatening treatment…

“Well, it’s either gonna get better or it’s gonna get a whole lot better.” 

Let that sink in a bit. 

God was either going to make Tim better on this earth, or He was going to heal him completely in heaven for eternity.  Which one of those is really what Tim needed?  Which healing mattered the most?

Our selfish human side wants death to never occur.  No suffering, no separation from our loved ones.  I get that.  I have experienced those exact same emotions.  But just go here with me for a moment…

What if we could see earthly death of a believer as God sees it? 

Do you think when Tim crossed over the threshold into heaven the other saints and angels were consoling him?  Was Jesus apologizing that He didn’t give Tim more time in this sin-filled, illness-infected, cruel and evil world?

Or were they all celebrating and praising God together?  Were they ecstatic that Tim’s eternity could now begin?  His healing had finally come to fruition, a healing that would never be erased or marred by death again. 

I can’t answer the “why’s”.  Why we stubbornly grasp tightly to this life that is but a vapor in the time table of eternity? [James 4:14]  Why we see death as the “worst possible scenario” when we are praying for healing?  Why we treasure this life in a way that ignores the picture of eternity?  I can’t answer them, but I do think it is possible that we

Have

It

All

Wrong.

I’m NOT saying this life is worthless or not worthy of us giving our best to the Lord.  I am NOT saying that anyone fighting to stay alive should just roll over and give up.  I am NOT saying any of those things, and hopefully those of you reading this have followed our family’s journey long enough to not take this post out of the context of who we are in Christ or our testimony of His faithfulness.

I am merely sharing the thoughts that swirled in our heads and captured our hearts as Tim lay in his hospice bed.  And I am thinking that just maybe, if God is swirling them back into my consciousness right now…He has a reason and someone needs to hear this.  I trust Him to make sense of it for you.

What are your thoughts?  I’d love to hear your perspective and what God stirs up in your heart over this.       

Keeping Jesus FIRST!

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."  Ephesians 3:17b-19

(Disclaimer:  This is going to sound so strange that I am almost afraid to even post it, but I figure that if I am feeling it and aware of the need for caution in this area....I have to assume that others are too and nobody is willing to talk about it.)

So here goes my confession...

I am finding that I have to be careful to not be more excited about one day being with Tim in heaven than I am about being there with Jesus.

That is the real, 

raw, 

honest

TRUTH  

and it is embarrassing to admit.

At times, I catch myself talking to Tim in my mind more than I am praying to Jesus.

I have a deep longing to be reunited with Tim in heaven.  I am anxious to see him again, to hold his hand and touch his face.  I am excited to have him show me around.  I should be most excited about Jesus.  

I am not saying that there is anything wrong in longing for our loved ones who have gone before us; however the Bible is clear about Who our first love should be.  The Holy Spirit has made me acutely aware of my sin in placing my longing for Tim in front of my longing for more of Jesus.  

When Tim was here, we made a conscious effort to keep Christ as the head of our marriage.  It was our individual relationships with Jesus that came first, then our relationship with one another, then our relationships with the children.  We knew our priorities and checked often to make sure we were living them.

Now, it's just me.  I have my relationship with Christ, which is to be my top priority, then my children.  In the newness of this widow gig, I am unsure where to place Tim in the lineup.  He still has one of the largest portions of my heart.  The physical loss of him doesn't change that fact.

And so, I find myself constantly thinking of heaven, and of Tim, and his experiences there.  

Truthfully, sometimes I do that more than I think about heaven being where my Savior lives and has gone to prepare a place for me.  

I know this sounds horrible for a Christian to admit.  But guess what?  I've never been one to "only share the pretty".  It is what it is.  Just maybe, someone else walking this road is catching themselves in the same thought process and also needs to be reminded...

*That our love for God should come first.  (Matthew 22:37-39) 

     Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

*That our thoughts should be fixed on Jesus.  (Hebrews 3:1)

     Therefore holy brothers, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, the apostle and high priest whom we confess.

*That Jesus is fully God and commands our worship.  (Hebrews 12:28-29

     Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire."

Possibly, like me, someone also needs to remember...

*How we can't see the whole picture now, but we one day will! 

(1 Corinthians 13:12)

     For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face; now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

*How beautiful His sacrifice on the cross was and what it bought for us.

(Psalm 13:5)

     But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.

The love we have with our spouses is beautiful.  The love we have with our Savior is incomparable.  It’s important that we keep Jesus FIRST.  His love for us is higher and deeper than our comprehension.

Thank You God, for Your amazing grace and unending love.  Forgive us when we place other people, or possessions in front of our awe and worship of You.  Continue to use Your Holy Spirit to convict us and direct our paths towards righteousness.  As, Your Word says in Isaiah 26:3, give us a steadfast mind so that we may walk in perfect peace as we trust in you.  We trust in Your unfailing love, our hearts rejoice in your salvation! Amen.